Andy's Sick...

As in "She's not feeling well"...
[pouts]

But last night I went over and made her chicken noodle soup (not quite from scratch... I used prepared chicken broth, but I did get fresh chicken and noodles... so it was mostly from scratch!) and held her hand while she lay in bed and slept... I even sang to her for a bit (poor girl!). Gotta learn a few more songs, I think... anyway, whatever. It was really nice.

And then I slept on the floor. And, for the record, the floor in a basement apartment? COLD! But that's okay... Andy is feeling better, and I'm no worse for wear. I'm heading there again after kendo tonight... but I won't be able to stay too long (stupid early buses!).

Have I mentioned that I'm happy? 'Cause I am... taking care of her, even just the few little things I did...
[happy sigh]
I could get used to smiling most of the time. I really could.

So Much to Say...

No time to say it!

Seriously, though, let me explain... wait, no time. Let me sum up:

Andy broke up with Patrick: YAY!

Andy and I aren't dating: Well, complicated, but also yay. She has stuff she needs to figure out before she throws herself into another relationship... and I UNDERSTAND that. It's so freaky... I want to be with her so much, but at the same time I really need her to do this on her own... to realize how great she is, and start loving herself a little. Or a lot.

Other than that, she's a bit under the weather today (I'm going to be keeping my fingers crossed and thinking healthy thoughts about her!), and I'm probably going to be stuck at work for... well... many, many hours. Three stupid 9030s that are giving me no end of headaches.

A'ight. Nose to the grindst...

Oh, wait... canceled my "date" with Shauna on Friday-Saturday. Because as much as I love her (and I do, in a platonic-sorta-way), I'm realizing that I don't need or want that sorta attention from her right now. I'm so happy about things with Andy my cheeks hurt from all the smiling.

Anyway, NOW nose to grinstone.

Sweet Kisses

Well, last night was good...
[happy sigh]

After I finished work, I got my mom to drop me off at Andy's place... we talked for a little bit, but apparently she had a really good day yesterday. Which makes me feel better... I worry about her. Anyway, then we went shopping, and despite some early set-backs, managed to find her several pairs of pants and a shirt that looks really good on her. Went to East Side Mario's for dinner... that was also good (ate too much, but what else is new... I can't wait until next week when I feel healthy enough to start back at the gym... a week off is WAY too much!).

But afterwards... East Side's gives you little hard candy when you get your bill... Andy was still sucking on hers when we got in the taxi, and about half-way to her place she says "So, do you want the rest of this?"

She is SO awesome...
Anyway, so again, with the her kissing me thing... YAY!
Spent the night together (it should be somewhat obvious, but no sex, despite some mighty fine kisses... she's not ready for it, and in all honesty neither am I). Slept... didn't actually fall asleep until about 1am, but after that... ye gods did we sleep. Almost 40 hours awake in a row... and, let me tell you, it was hard getting out of bed this morning.

Waking up next to her?
Bloody brilliant, man... bloody brilliant.

She still has a lot of issues to work through (obviously). This is by no means a done deal... she could still decide that she really loves Patrick... I think she's been trying not to think about it. Maybe tonight after kendo will sit and talk about this stuff... I want to be there for her, but more than just physically. I need her to understand that she has to do this herself, but I'm willing to help... I can't make her a better person, but I hope that I can help nudge her in the right direction occasionally.

Did I mention she's a good kisser? Oh yeah. DAMN good kisser.

I Kissed A Girl...

I kissed Andy.

No, retract that. Andy kissed ME!

[contented sigh]
It was AWEsome... it'll probably never happen again, but that's beside the point. Two kisses... one she initiated, one I did... two beautiful, perfect little kisses that I can still close my eyes and feel.

I do not envy her the thinking she'll have to do... but for me...
[sigh]
Last night was a good night.

Ah, Good Ol' Kendo!

Yeah, kendo last night was awesome. Miyagawa-sensei was unhappy with how my left leg was moving... I think I'm moving it too slowly, but sadly that's just a guess (his English is about as good as my Japanese! Maybe a bit better, but you get the idea). And I'm still missing the foot stomp unless I actively think about it (unless we're doing kirigashi, when we're NOT supposed to stomp for the siumen hits and I'm doing it anyway!). Got to hit Niamh-senpai a few times... it's pretty hard trying to remember to put everything together, but that's half the fun! I had a great time... the only thing that would have made it better would be to be HEALTHY! I'm so sick of being sick... but I think it's on the way out (hopefully before Friday, or I'll have to cancel volunteering again!).

Then I went and saw Andy...
[sigh]
Man, she's beautiful. I just want to wrap my arms around her and hold.
But she keeps saying the same things... "Nice guy, like him, don't want to date him". And then she'll gush about how awesome Patrick is. It's enough to give a guy a complex. Or talk about having sex with him... man that hurts. My stomach does this little crunch-tense-pain thing... she hasn't noticed yet, so I'm taking that as a good sign. But whatever. She doesn't love me... she won't love me. I have to stop fixating on her so much!

And, on that note, she's coming over tonight... hopefully I'm healthy enough for some DDR, but that'll be partly up to her.

Unrelated side note: Yeesh, my bills are big this month. Visa got back up to $2000... that's a bad sign. I was really hoping to keep expenses down, but no such luck... and I should call OSAP and find out if I still owe them money.

In fact, I'm going to do that right now!

I Was Sick!

No, I was sick... for a couple days, at least! I have antibiotics and everything. Missed work on Thursday AND Monday.

Weekend was awesome... well, the parts I was healthy for (That'd be Saturday, really... Friday and Sunday were both rough). It was incredible to see everyone... Heather looks good, Paul seems happy, Chantal and Dave rocked as always, Harry is too funny for words sometimes... and Chantal pointed out something that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Andy seemed happier before Patrick showed up. Hee hee hee...

What? An evil giggle? Me? Never!

Seriously, though... in retrospect, it does seem that way. Maybe I'll talk to her about it later today... after kendo, of course. I'm hoping to go to the full 2 hours this time. I WILL take the full 2 hours (I only did an hour on Friday, and had to miss Sunday entirely). Maybe not... I guess I'll wait to see what kinda mood she's in. It'll be nice to see her, though... she's been in Toronto these past couple days. Hope she's having fun (and is much healthier than I've been!).

Anyway. Bill and Susan couldn't make it, and Bonnie bowed out gracefully... I missed Bon, and it woulda been awesome to have Bill and Susan there, but such is life sometimes. A few of us are going to try and get out to Kingston in December to visit with them...

Oh! And it snowed today! Some of it was still on the ground by the time I left for work... so who knows? Maybe I'll be able to get back on the ski hill before too long!

A'ight. Gotta go make up for the work I "missed" (I didn't miss it at all!).

Aftermath

Well, kendo yesterday was awesome... we started doing the foot-stomp stuff, which is hard on the toes but still fun. Hard for me to co-ordinate my hands and my feet, though... my stomps are always landing early (before the shinai hits... they're supposed to hit at the same time). Ah well... that's what practice is for, I suppose!

Oh, and my left foot is basically 1 big blister... well, it's not that bad, but the blister is about 3" by 2"... and there are satellite blisters around it on my toes. Painful, but well earned... still, it was a bit disgusting when the skin started to peel off (there's still about half of it that's obviously dead but hasn't come off yet.

After that, I went and hung out with Andy... we met up downtown for beer and wings (and assorted other deep-fried foods... ye gods, I don't think I've eaten that much crap in months) and she had a rather rough day so we talked about it...
She keeps flirting with me. Or, perhaps, I keep thinking she's flirting with me... probably that. But regardless, very difficult to keep myself from just leaning over and kissing her... but that would be very bad. She might think Patrick would forgive her... heck, he might. I dunno. But that's not the point... I wouldn't forgive me for it. She may be awesome and beautiful and [sigh] just about everything I like in women, but I want somebody that actually loves me... and while I realize that it may never happen, I'm just going to have to wait until it does.

I'm wondering a bit how Andy would feel if/when I start dating... I should get around to asking her that. I probably haven't because I don't really want to know the answer... but sooner or later I will want to know.

Rain... Inside!

It's true. I had rain inside my apartment today... apparently the washing machine of whoever lives upstairs decided to start leaking, and so at 5am I was up at the sounds of falling water inside my washroom! Yay!

I just hope the fuse box is okay... and that everything dries up okay. Lousy timing, but at least it's not the weekend... so hopefully everything will be okay by then!

In other news, I'm going to see Andy for dinner tonight, apparently... Taps, I think. Gotta remember to call her after kendo. I think it'll be a pretty low-key affair since I'm a little sleep-dep (see above-mentioned time I was awoken by my indoor waterfall), but that's okay... always nice to see her. Apparently her mom likes me (not that it really matters, but it's good to know regardless).

Oh, and Bill and Susan won't be able to make my Post-Thanksgiving Dinner on Saturday... which sucks, but I understand. Their poor car can't take the abuse... it woulda been cool to have them there, but I will survive. Still don't know if Bonnie's coming or not... I sorta hope so. It hasn't really been that long since I've seen her, but it feels like it. Maybe I just miss feeling close to somebody... but I definitely want her input on how I act around my friends these days. She tends to be cruel but in a very informative sorta way... I was about to write 'I love her for it', but I think that may be overly mean to my psyche right now, so I'll leave it at "it's very sweet of her".

Weekend... Passed.

Well, I had to work Saturday (no time for an update then... my father was hovering nearby the whole time, obviously), but whatever. The rest of the weekend was good...

Andy's mom is an interesting woman... I can see a few similarities between the two of them. I wish I could help Andy feel happy... she seems to be having a rough go of it recently, and I don't know what I can do to help. I'm torn between my desire to help her and my want for her to get help from Patrick... I mean, I don't want her to get help from him, but I kinda feel like... since he's getting all the perks, it should sorta be his responsibility (sorta like how I hate when I get her all riled up and she goes and has fantastic sex with him... it doesn't seem quite just). But whatever... maybe we'll talk about it when/if we get together this week!

And then... Saturday this week... Post Thanksgiving Dinner! I can't wait... I know I'm going to make the multi-layer dip-stuff (although if there will be shrimp on it or not is completely dependent on whether Bonnie comes or not) and at least a couple kinds of homemade hummus... plus veggies and fruit, of course... and then for the main course we have the turkey and the lamb (gotta look up recipes for that sometime soon... I pick 'em up on Friday, so I have a day to marinate or pre-cook or whatever needs to be done), and probably asparagus or steamed veggies or potatoes... why am I saying "or"? I mean "and"!

Anyway, it should be fun to see everyone... I think that everybody will get along. My friends are pretty awesome people, and Andy and Bonnie are the only two that I'd have any concerns about whatsoever... Andy because she hasn't met many of my friends and Bonnie because she has a habit of being somewhat... abrasive sometimes.

Speaking of which, it'll be weird to have both of my crushes in the same room... but since Patrick should be there, I don't think I'll have to worry too much about Andy, and we all know that I don't have a chance in Hell with Bon... so I'm just going to relax and enjoy myself as best I can.

It's Friday

Tomorrow I have Andy and her mom coming over for dinner after I finish 5 hours (or so) at work. I'm a little nervous.

Which is silly. Andy and I aren't dating. We're not going to date. This is just a friendly meeting. I'm going to make dinner, we'll eat and talk, and I'll try to come off as harmless and quaint and not interested in Andy in the slightest.

Of course, that last bit could be a bit difficult, but hopefully I can manage.

Tonight, of course, is kendo... yay! And afterwards... probably sleep. I haven't gotten much of that recently... well, last night wasn't too bad (about 6 hours) but still. I think I would definitely benefit from more!

Seventh Circle of Hell

I HATE my job.

My father wants me to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I told him that I'd work EITHER Saturday or Sunday... but... why? Why can't I just say "NO, screw you"?

[sigh]
And things with Andy aren't really getting easier... I had to stop myself from trying to kiss her five times last night. But I'm blaming that on exhaustion and depression... both of which are hopefully going to pass tonight.

Can't write more... supposed to be doing stupid things with kilowatt light sources. Joy.

I Love Kendo.

Well, its official... I absolutely love this freakin' sport. Apparently almost everyone quits just after getting their bogu... so there's still a bit of time for me to determine if I'm cut out for this or not. But so far it's looking good. A little frustrated at how slowly I seem to be picking it up... so many things to try and remember at the same time, but I guess that's more or less the way it is for everyone. Ah well... one swing at a time.

Went to Andy's after practice and she made dinner... a salmon/pasta/salad hybrid that was actually very good. Not that I'm surprised... I deeply suspect that Andy can do just about anything she puts her mind to. We're getting together after her French club and after I'm at the gym for dinner again... lord knows I have no idea what I'm gonna make. But hopefully the time before that will be full of DDR... Supernova is pretty good, but it hasn't really had a chance to grow on me just yet. No favourite tunes yet for sure... although Fallout Boy "Dance Dance" has a lot of promise.

As for my stupid, stupid crush... well, today things are better, for sure... still not quite 100%, but climbing at least. Correspondingly, I fully expect work will suck massively... seems to be the way it goes (although, in all honesty, work sucks most of the time!). And then tomorrow is the bloody stupid BF2 tournament... why does my brother still play that stupid game? If it weren't the only way I get to hang out with him I'd have dropped it MONTHS ago... but whatever. He enjoys it, so who am I to throw stones?

Thanksgiving? Really?

Well, it's Tuesday and I'm back at work.
Oh, wait... I was here yesterday. And Friday. Huh. Here I was thinking it was a long weekend... go figure.
[sigh]

Man, I hate this job. And my co-worker physicist just tended his resignation... lucky bastard. Of course, he's in France right now... but whatever.

My weekend was... interesting. Saw Andy and Patrick on Saturday, and that was a bit rough... I mean, don't get me wrong, Patrick is cool and Andy is obviously awesome and I am getting over my ridiculous crush on her... but I still get that whole "Why couldn't that be me with her right now..." thing.

What's that? Because Patrick is freaking hot and loves her, and I'm fat, ugly, and stupid?
Oh, yeah... that's a good reason.

Anyway, moving right along... as much as I'm a little sad that Andy wasn't having a good weekend, it still hurt to hear them talk about the sex they did have... made me feel very lonely and sad. But whatever... it makes Andy happy, and I'm really trying to get over this so its good that I hear it. Oh, and Patrick is okay with what's happened between Andy and I and does seem cool with everything... so at least I didn't damage the relationship. And I think that's a good thing... Andy deserves to be happy, Patrick makes her happy, it's all good. I'll find my own girlfriend some day, ne?

The time I spent with my folks... well, the less said the better. I survived, I returned, I spent Monday after work with Andy, Patrick, Ross and Donovan. Donovan is... nice, but utterly not what I expected. I hope I get to know her better, though... she's important to Ross, and that's really enough for me.

Had a long talk with Andy last night around midnight (exhausted, but content in her company). She picked three words to describe me... generous, "full of heart" (hee hee hee) and geniune. I'm glad she thinks that about me... Bonnie would probably smirk at it, but still, it was really nice to hear. For her, I picked graceful, earnest (like sincerity, but with more energy), and passionate. I really like her...
[sigh]
That's okay. I'm allowed to really like her. I just gotta stop wanting more than that. But really, she is pretty awesome.

Happy Anniversary... To Them

Well, tonight Patrick is coming up from Waterloo, which means I won't see hide nor hair of Andy for at least the weekend. Probably a good thing... I think it would hurt a bit much to hang around with them at this stage.

Don't get me wrong: I'm happy for Patrick, I'm happy for Andy. Heck, I'm happy for all my friends in relationships. But I don't have crushes on all my friends in relationships, and as infantile and stupid as it is for me to have feelings for Andy, it's not like I've ever been particularly good at controlling my emotions before... so, really, why would I start now.

[sigh]
At least I have a few new vids to keep me occupied from thinking about the two of them and all the things they'll be doing. And I can focus more of my energy into converting my attraction for Andy into platonic feelings for her... because she is a pretty cool friend. And I can play the new DDR... that's a good thing.

Bonnie says I always go for unavailable women. I wanted to ask her why it is unavailable women go for me... but it didn't seem proper. Much like I don't think Bonnie was ever really into me, I'm pretty sure (positive, actually) that Andy isn't really into me, and I have no desire to repeat that particular disaster. Still not convinced I recovered from the first time.

Anyway, whatever... moral of the story is that I'm stupid and unattractive and oblivious. Gotta work at eliminating at least one of those traits.

Time to Take Score.

So, let's see if I can sum this up.
Chantal thinks that I'm crazy and is disappointed that I don't think I deserve more.
Dave thinks I'm crazy and is disappointed in the way I'm treating Andy, as well as the fact that I didn't go for Shauna when I had the chance.
Bonnie thinks I'm crazy and that I haven't learned anything from all the pain I inflicted on her, and is disappointed in me, just in general.

I think that's about it.

I mean, okay, I can't blame them... yes, they're right and I am acting like a selfish child. A remarkably dumb one at that.
But, ya know... it woulda kinda been nice to get even on "Hey... that sucks, man. Sure, Andy may not be the one for you, but it still blows that you have those kinds of feelings... hope you feel better soon" or something like that. I mean, don't get me wrong... I wouldn't trade my friends and their brutal honesty for anything... but I felt crappy before, and every day that passes I just feel crappier.

This... has been a remarkably bad year.

[sigh]
Cheer up, emo kid. Again.

Anyway... Andy and I hung out last night, and that was fun... a solid 45 minutes of DDR (doesn't make up for Harry ditching me and the gym, but at least it was something), then some pretty hella-sweet fajitas (veggie ones... tofu and veggie-ground-beef-stuff... very acceptable), and then a little bit of sitting around and talking. She asked if I was getting in bed with her again and I declined... which left me feeling remarkably lonely, but hey, that's more or less the way I'm supposed to feel. I just gotta focus on Patrick and Andy... THEY'RE happy together, and there's no way I could ever do better than that.

Ooh, and Supernova is supposed to come out tonight. I'll have it for the entire weekend to practice while Andy's "entertaining" Patrick.
[cringe]
Course, I probably won't be in the mood to play it... but that's almost beside the point. No kendo on Sunday, too... this is gonna be a rotten weekend.

Kendo Rocks. Lots.

Well, it's true... kendo is one of the best things I've done in years. Sure, the new blister on my left foot may be the size of a looney and hurts when I stand or walk... but damnit, it's totally worth it.

Sadly, I was an hour late for class yesterday... Tuesdays start at 6, apparently (learn something new every day). I managed to rope Mori-sensei into teaching me what they taught everyone else and practiced on my own for an hour... but still, I feel pretty stupid for missing the first hour of class. Ah well, now I know so it won't happen again. And I can't wait for class on Friday! Yay!

Tonight, Andy and I are going to hopefully give the new DDR a test-drive (I hope it has a good version of Butterfly... but I think that might be a pipe-dream), watch some flicks and make fajitas... which is pretty nice and simple. She doesn't want chicken, though... so maybe salmon? Or tofu? Or perhaps TVP or something like that... hmmm... plenty of time to think about that stuff later, though. I think I've come to grips with my crush and am putting things back in perspective, which is nice.

Last note: been talking with Bonnie (well, writing, but whatever)... I'm still not convinced she wants to come to the Thanksgiving dinner, but she was always remarkably difficult to read. At least for me. I hope she comes... despite the fact that there's never, EVER going to be a chance in hell of us being together, it still makes me warm and fuzzy to look at her and remember that, even for a short time, that she was with me. I may be close to a total failure at life, but nobody can take that away from me.

Random Visitations

So Andy and Ross dropped by randomly last night... do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had friends just randomly drop by? I mean, seriously... it was so cool! We taught Ross a bit about DDR... I can't wait to pick up Supernova (tomorrow, with any luck... I get the feeling that Andy and I will be playing it a lot Wednesday night!).

I told Chantal and Dave about the big mess of my weekend... Chantal freaked out a bit, but only because she's concerned about me (she's a total sweetheart... I love her to pieces. I'm so glad Dave is treating her properly!). Dave hasn't said anything yet... don't know why, but maybe he has nothing positive to say (he tends to be a bit more conservative than Chantal in some ways... but such is life).

Anyway, I had fun with Andy and Ross... I think I'm starting to unwind from my hopeless crush a bit. Which is nice... I just have to keep reminding myself it's hopeless not only because Andy really does love Patrick, but more so because I don't want to be with Andy... I deserve better than somebody in a relationship (how many times have I written that sentence so far?... still true, though).

Tonight; Kendo! YAY! Damnit but I love the sport!

Good Weekends.

Okay. So that was the most bizarre week/weekend ever.
Andy stayed at my place from Wednesday straight until Saturday... it was awesome, but I'm so going to hell.
She's beautiful, she's smart, she's funny, she has legs that I would go to war for... and she is totally in love with her boyfriend. On Friday I think I spent 2 hours just stroking her hair and thinking about how much I'm going to burn for this... it can only end in tears. But damnit... why does she have to be so awesome and so completely and utterly in a relationship!?!?

ARGH!!

Anyway... Saturday Shauna came down (got there about 30 minutes after Andy left), and it was nice to see her. Thought about having sex with her but, in the end, couldn't... I kept thinking about Andy. Which is totally unfair... I mean, when Andy is with me, I know she's thinking about Patrick (after all, he is her boyfriend)... there's no reason I should be holding back and when Patrick finally comes down on Saturday she's going to screw his brains out and I'm going to be at home thinking about it and fighting off the urge to vomit. But the fact remains I don't feel that way about Shauna and it wouldn't be fair for either of us. And then, out of the blue... Bonnie calls!

I could only talk to her for 30 minutes or so... and I still miss her, for sure... but again, I know she doesn't think about me that way. But she did say she was thinking about coming to my post-Thanksgiving dinner... that would rock! At least, I think it would... Harry will end up flirting with her the entire night, but hey, more power to him. I miss her... her smile, her laugh...

I keep daydreaming about this comic I want to draw... on the left 1/3rd is Bonnie with her fingers tangled in Jason's hair and her with her back arched, gasping in pleasure. On the right 1/3rd is Andy, her fingers digging into Patrick's back as he lays on top of her, her eyes closed and that playful smile of hers glowing... and in the middle, me sitting in kendo class at the beginning, my eyes closed trying to get these thoughts out of my head. And a naration caption a the top. Something like... "Bonnie has Jason... Andy has Patrick... all I have is kendo."

[sigh]
Cheer up, emo kid.

Anyway, kendo has been utterly awesome so far... I have class again tomorrow and I can't wait. Sure, I have blisters so far and some sore muscles, but I really can't wait until I get to put on the bogu and actually start sparring (ie; getting bruised). I need something painful... something I can focus on to take my mind off everything else.

Sunday after kendo I went and spent the afternoon with Andy... we went to Garlic's for dinner (t'was good), had a bit of ice cream and then sat in Andy's room and talked... near the end she was holding my hand while we talked and lord if I didn't have to fight down the urge to kiss her more than a dozen times. But I'm not going to screw this up... I'm NOT. I won't. She loves Patrick. Patrick is a better man... better looking, more mature, better for her. I won't ruin that. Friends. Andy and I will be friends. I like her as a friend... we have fun together! Why would I mess that up? If she were single, okay, fine, but the reality is that she's not so I won't screw this up. I won't.

Right?