Busy Thursday!

Well, today I'm supposed to:
1. Go out for All You Can Eat Sushi with the guys from work (Andy has been invited too, so at least Steve likes her!),
2. Play Laser Tag with the kendo club downtown, and
3. Go out drinking afterwards.
Woo. Busy Thursday! In theory I should put in "Go to the gym" in there too, but I won't... I'm busy enough today as it is!

And tomorrow I get to volunteer, then work, then kendo, then crash at Andy's place... but at least SATURDAY... wait, wait... Saturday is supposed to be a French Club Watch-The-Habs thing. And then Sunday is kendo again.

Ah well. I forgot to mention: I got my hakama and keikogi on Tuesday! They're spiffy looking... I hope the pleats stay (you have to fold the hakama very carefully after every practice to maintain them... I don't think it'll matter too much for my first hakama ever, but you never know!... and I have to get into the habit now so it stays!).

In other news, talked to Bonnie last night... she talked about the date with Harry and told me that she's not interested in dating him. Which is cool. But then she said something about how she already knows who "the one" for her is. My suspicion rests solely on the shoulders of Jason, but that's really only because I don't know any other guy she's hung out with. But I'm happy for her if that's the case... finding "the one" is quite a feat, and I really do want Bon to be happy. I also asked her about my MBTI test results (ENFJ, for those of you interested)... at first she was skeptical, but she seems to be warming up to the test results. Maybe she can give me some insight into where I should be going from here. Maybe.

Damnit.

Well, I lost. Eliminated 2nd round to Steve (who ended up winning the whole thing).

And I freely admit that I'm pissed at myself... I was at practice twice as often as Steve... for twice as long, so in theory I've had 4 times more kendo than he's had. And yet he beat me.

He beat me. I can't freakin' believe he beat me. I shoulda had him cold. It should have been a cake-walk. I should have gone home with a medal... because, really, that was my first and probably last chance to get one. From now on if I compete it's against fully trained kendoka who've been doing this stuff for years. But he beat me... no medal. I got a "Spirit Award" from Miyagawa-sensei... which was nice of him, for sure, but sorta just drove home the point that I was there training while Steve was off at church or whatever and he beat me.

[sigh]

Had a long talk with Andy last night about the virtues of delayed gratification over instantaneous gratification, and in my attempts to explain my perspective (that I want to take any pleasure that comes in life when I can, because there's never any assurances that you'll get that opportunity later), I managed to make her feel bad. And completely turned her off. A skill, I tell ya...
[sigh]
She seemed to feel better this morning, but the little black cloud that I had after losing yesterday has come back for me... I don't want to be here (at work), I don't want to feel this way, and I really, really don't want to have to deal with my father shortly.

And, when all is said and done... as much as Andy seems to like me... and as much as I try to respect her space and her need to think things over, I'm still not sure she really likes me. Or I should say she's not sure. Is this going to be another kendo-beginner-competition thing, where I work my ass off only to "lose" to some guy that doesn't put in half as much effort as me but has a 6-pack stomach or something?

I really like kendo. It hurts that I lost and I need to get over this feeling of "Well, now I'll never win anything and what's the point of trying" because I didn't start kendo to win... I wanted something to focus on, something to work towards, something for me. I've got to stop thinking about the competition and get back to thinking about getting better because I want to be better.
I really like Andy. I really like Andy. And I've got to stop worrying about how she feels about me... I'll never have control over that, nor would I want it. I'm just going to try and enjoy the fact that I'm with somebody as awesome as she is... who fits so well with me.

Nervous? Me?

Well, today is the Beginner Skills Competition! Wish me luck!

I think it should be interesting... it's been quite awhile since I've actually competed in anything, so I'm looking forward to it! And, of course, the fact that I think I'll win doesn't hurt!

But we'll have to see.

Andy was so cute this morning... I mean, she's cute most of the time, but when she's half awake is even better. Pity I had to be at work early... but whatever. Such is life sometimes... and I needs to earns the monies with which I attempt to spoil her rotten!

Oh, and I ordered a bunch of games for Bill... $90 USD... ouch. But whatever... he's good for it, I'm pretty sure. And until he pays me, I get a bunch of games outta the deal, so I ain't throwing stones!

Tournament Tuesday...

Okay, so it's not really a tournament... just a Beginner Competition... but I still intend to win it, damnit! There are really only 3 people that are about as good as me... Mandy, Steve and the guy with an M-name that I can't remember (Mauik? Mauij? Meiji? Something like that). And in the practice competition we had yesterday I beat the M-guy (who I think is closest to me in skill)... apparently being loud is a virtue!
[smiles]

Anyway, so that's happening tomorrow and I'm lookin' forward to it. I'm a bit tired today... I was up until about 1am playing BF2142 with my brother (Titan maps are actually really fun!) and then didn't drop straight off to sleep afterwards. But whatever... gym tonight, and then home (where hopefully Andy will be! YAY!).

Lastly, things with Andy are still progressing... slowly, but surely. And as stated before, I'm really in no rush... I'm very content to wait and let things progress at whatever pace they need. Good things are most definitely worth waiting for.

Lotsa Kendo This Weekend... Sorta.

Well, lots of WATCHING kendo this weekend. Today for at least 2 hours, tomorrow for about 3 or 4, probably, and then Sunday I actually get to DO kendo again... but that's okay. I think my body needed a little bit of a break anyway.

More concerned about the fact I chose not to go to volunteer today... I hate the thought that my father will be happy about it. Why does he enjoy all the bad decisions I make? But whatever... can't do much about it. And I am looking forward to seeing 4 hours of advanced practice in the next couple days! Woo!

Weekend should be relatively low key... hanging out with Chiangs and Andy on Sunday, baking probably, but other than that no real plans. Besides kendo, of course.

Damn Straight.

Let's just say that it was a very, very good morning this morning. I'm sure I'll be hearing about it later, but for now... yeah, very good morning. Andy... she has talents.

[happy smile]

Anyway... besides that... well, we still haven't had sex, but whatever. I'm okay with that. I won't get to see her tonight, and that kinda sucks... but she needs her time apart from me too (and it'll give me a chance to play some more FFXII). Bill didn't call, though... I'll have to remember to get in touch with him later.

In other news... still worried about Shauna, and I will call her tonight, just to get a reading on her. See what's what. And I gotta figure out what to do about volunteering tomorrow... my father has been slightly rabid again.

Oh! And my dear, dear brother bought me BF2142... I hope it works on my machine! I have to wait for it to ship from the States... but I should have it sometime next week. Now to resist the temptation to buy a Wii... and a PS3... and an XBox 360... I'm evil sometimes!

Thoughts

So kendo yesterday was good... Nishigori sensei says that I'll probably be taicho (captain) of the Beginner A team in January's tournament! Go me!

This week is when we say goodbye to Nishigori-sensei and Nishigori-sensei... they're going back to Japan, apparently. I'm a little sad that I won't get to really practice with either of them... watching Nishigori-sensei (male) in practice is outstanding... he seems to almost move instantaneously. It's incredible... and he was really a great help, even to a beginner like me, in trying to learn the foundations of proper footwork.

Sadly, this means no practice on Friday (since it'll be only for advanced members), but it does mean I get to watch some incredible kendo Friday and Saturday before practice on Sunday. So I'm still looking forward to it!

In other news, Andy stayed over last night... which was really nice. She won't be staying tomorrow night, sadly... but I do get to see her again tonight, so that's a plus! We're going shopping at Canadian Tire... November has also proved to be an expensive month, but less so than October (which was really pretty ridiculous).

And, lastly, I'm still worried about Shauna... she's been calling and e-mailing me an awful lot recently. Jealousy because of Andy? Not impossible... but I'm still not convinced that it's only that. I could just ask, I suppose... I'll have to remember to call her tonight or tomorrow. Oh, and Bill... need to talk to Bill.

Lazy Mondays?

Nothing exciting happenin', really... spent last night alone because Andy didn't want to have to wake up at ridiculous o'clock (which really would have only been around 6... but I suppose since she has the ability to sleep in, she should be afforded the privledge!).

Found out Harry went on "a date" with Bonnie on the weekend... out to an Italian restaurant apparently she wanted to try. He says that she's doing well... tired but hyper "as always".

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not jealous. But there is SOMEthing there that's not reacting quite perfect for me... something I'll need to think about, for sure.

And Shauna has been calling a lot recently... I think something may be up with that (she's normally extremely independent). I'll have to try and remember to call her Wednesday (tonight is kendo, of course).

And I spoke with my brother briefly... he's siding with my father on the whole "volunteering" issue, which isn't that much of a surprise... upsetting, but not surprising. But he did say that he wanted to see me for his birthday, which was nice... and I asked if I could come down in February to go 'boarding at Whistler... he seemed kosher with the idea but he was playing Battlefield 2142 so really, impossible to get a good sense of anything out of him. He's pretty useless when distracted... very similar to me in that respect.

I've also thought about starting to look for other work... if my father is going to fire me for this, I might as well be prepared. Can't say I'll miss the place!

Another Satisfied Weekend

Well, my father tried to fire my on Friday... a good start to the weekend, for sure.
Don't get me wrong... would never complain about getting fired (three cheers for EI, finding a job I don't hate, and freedom from my parents!). But it would be nice to not have to worry about that stuff until I'm out of debt. But whatever. Bygones!

Spent Saturday with Andy... she likes watching me play FFXII! Can I explain how awesome that is? No, I can't... because it's just that awesome. She's awesome! Stuff is awesome. We also watched "Let's Go to Prison"... not a bad movie, some funny moments, but overall not exceptional. Ah well... it was fun, I'm glad we went... she even paid!

Sunday, kendo... got a bit of a fat lip when I got to actually ATTEND the senior lesson! But man does my kendo get sloppy after two hours... and it's not that clean to start with! The stomps are the first thing to go... I got to try some Kekaregeko, though... the senior student just gave me an opening and then I'd try to hit it... remarkable how slowly I react, but I'm hoping to get better with practice! YAY PRACTICE! And our gi's are supposed to show up this week...
[contented sigh]

Afterwards I was supposed to hang with Andy and her friend "Chiangs" (Chiang-Lee), but she (Chiangs) wasn't feeling very well so it ended up being just Andy and I. Still, had a good time... went to Williams downtown for a few hours (I played FFIII, she read stuff for school... wish I had known in advance so I coulda brought my sketchbook, but oh well!), then had Indian food (Massey's... not bad, but not fabulous either), and then back to my place where she did more work and I played more FFXII (beautiful little game... I'm growing very attached to it!).

All in all... a good weekend! Here's hoping it can get me through the week!

Wait... What?

Okay, so this is getting a little ridiculous.

Andy was upset with me this morning. Last night she woke up around 3am... we talked until about 4, and then she declared that she wasn't tired at all and got out of bed to go to the living room. I, somewhat upset but understanding that she needed her space, went back to sleep.

And then this morning she's upset with me.

I don't know what to do any more... if I'm too forward, she's upset with me. If I'm not forward enough, she's upset with me. If I keep her up, she's upset, if I go to sleep, she's upset...

I mean, okay fine, I'm all about giving her the space she needs, but for crying out loud, it would be nice to have a bit of consistency!

[sigh]
Whatever. I shouldn't be getting bummed out about this, but I am. I'm just going to take another step back and let her hammer out this stuff on her own. She may be beautiful and smart and funny and all that, but if she keeps this up there's no way in nine hells it'd be worth it.

So. Tired.

Why is everything so difficult? Just... why?

I just... so tired. Nothing left. Blah.

Kendo Tuesdays

Last night was good. Skipped the gym (too tired and sore for it, honestly), played a bit of FFXII and then a bit of Guitar Hero 2 on Hard (you know, I'm getting pretty good at that game...). I love them both so very, very much... and FFV is good, AND FFIII is coming out for the DS today (although I doubt my EB will have a copy, I have a $20 pre-order for Twilight Princess with no home since Dave doesn't want it any more... and that should be about half of the game's price, and I'm down for that!). Good times, good times.

Things with Andy seem to have stabilized somewhat... she confuses me a little, but she's female and that's only to be expected, really. But whatever... she has a good head on her shoulders, and I have every confidence that she can figure stuff out on her own (which is good... I shouldn't and won't be doing it for her). And it certainly makes life more interesting.

Although it also makes it more expensive... ah well! Maybe I'll get money for Christmas... that'd be awesome. Three cheers for being out of debt!

Girl's Got Game

Okay. So Andy is pretty freakin' awesome...

It was a long night... first in the not-good-way, and then in the oh-my-god-oh-my-god good way.
Still no sex. But I'm still very okay with that... slightly MORE okay with that today. But exhausted. So... very... very... tired. But oh well. Gots to earns mah monies.

Friday at Last

Today has been a rough day.
Volunteering was good (as always), but afterwards I had a long discussion with my father regarding the status of my continued volunteering. The end result was "Talk to your manager".

[sigh]

Apparently Mick isn't terribly fond of me... can't say I'm surprised, but whatever. I hope he lets me continue to volunteer... that would be awful nice. And it's not like I have a shortage of banked time, plus holidays, to use... so there really shouldn't be an issue whatsoever. But there probably will be. We'll have to wait and see, I suppose.

I hate this job. I hate this company, and aside from Andy, I hate this stupid city.

Oh, and kendo. Besides Andy and kendo, I hate this stupid city.

Better

Well, Andy came over last night, but no Ross... apparently Donovan (his wife) was sick, and therefore Ross had to go home and take care of her. As much as I like Ross (he is a nice guy, after all), I was really only concerned because it upset Andy... I think she was looking forward to hanging out with him, and instead she was left feeling drained.

We sat and talked for awhile... she laments the fact that she hasn't been having fun recently. Too much on her mind... she doesn't want to have fun because she has so much to work on. I recommended that she write up a list of things that she does and doesn't think need improvement... might be interesting to see, at the very least... but I don't really know what else I can tell her to do. It's still a bit early... and these things sorta proceed at a pace of their own. But it's definitely a start... I think next she should try and think about Patrick, their relationship, and what it really meant to her... one step at a time and all that.

She didn't stay over last night (first Wednesday she hasn't in about a month, actually), but things were still good between us... the fact that I'm pulling back on the physical aspects doesn't seem to bother her too much (in fact, I think she appreciates it... which is good). Next time I see her I have to make something better, though... I made sorta-Spanish rice (too many substitutions for it to be a "real" recipe), but that's only because she was hungry and I didn't want to make her wait for me to buy groceries.

Last note: Got Guitar Hero 2, Final Fantasy V and Elite Beat Agents last night... $170. I'm SO broke for the rest of the month... but that's okay. I don't think I have anything major to buy... except maybe Andy's Christmas present. I still need to think about that.

Weird

You know, I've never been a huge fan of sleeping at somebody else's place. I dunno why... just the way I've always been. I have a few theories, but whatever.

But sleeping over at Andy's last night... it was okay. Not great (her bed is small), but good... being that close to her was definitely okay (even if she woke me up at 3am accidentally... but I got a few good kisses in as revenge, so I'm willing to call it even).

I like Andy. I really do. It's so hard to be careful with her, though... she needs to grow first. I really should stop playing with her... even the little we've been doing. At the very least we need to sit down and talk about all this... she needs to understand what's going on.

But damn is it difficult. She's so pretty... so warm and soft and nice smelling... whatever. We'll talk sometime this week, hopefully.

That was Fun...

When I got home last night, Andy was there waiting for me.
[happy sigh]
She freakin' rocks. This freakin' rocks. I just hope she heals up fast... she's feeling BETTER, but still sick... and she's getting frustrated with herself for being sick. Hard to be zen about it, I suppose (although I've never had much difficulty, if I'm sick I'm not missing anything so it's not a fair comparison!)... but regardless.

Have I mentioned that's she's beautiful? Man, I could stare at her stomach for HOURS.
[happy sigh]

Still no sex. No oral, even... which is definitely okay. My head gets a bit messy when she's around, but I'm still holding on to that. It's a little unfair... she's getting off but I'm not... but that's okay. I figure I'm going to be a bit of a disappointment (I am out of practice, after all... but more than that, Patrick was apparently hung like a horse, and I'm pretty sure I won't measure up in that department), and so I'm stockpiling good karma in advance. Just in CASE we ever have sex... still not a for-sure thing, of course. Besides, she's fun to just listen to... definitely loud (my neighbours must love me... but if they have a problem with it, screw them!), but in such a... pure way.

Side note: she laughs after she orgasms too... cause for some concern. But for now we'll leave it... it can wait until she's healthy again.

Temor Visitations

Well, I met Andy's friend Temor. Nice guy, apparently he likes me (or at least doesn't actively dislike me... and I'm taking that as a good sign!). Might have had a little to do with me paying for breakfast, but I doubt that it did much to sway him... he seems to really care for Andy, and that's good enough for me, honestly. Lot of hair on that guy, though...

Andy's friend Elizabeth (although less critical that she like me than Temor) also seems nice... a bit... sedate, I think is the right word. Not boring or anything like that, just soft-spoken. And not much sense of rhythm (which, for a girl, is unusual...), but whatever... we had fun and baked pie. T'was good.

And then there's Andy herself...
I admit I'm waffling. Bonnie and I spoke on Saturday and she said (in her typically "Far-too-Insightful-for-My-Own-Good" way) that if I really wanted to help Andy love herself and be happy with who she is, I can't be with her romantically. I think her exact words were "You can never be with her." Harsh... but possibly true. I mean, won't some part of Andy always be wondering if I'm doing this JUST to get her in bed with me? And I really don't want that.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I DO want her in bed with me. But that's not why I want to help her... it's not why I encouraged her to think about her relationship and it's not why I'm sticking around.
[sigh]
I dunno. Anyway, the result was that I started wondering if I'll ever get a chance to actually be with her, and this manifested as me suddenly being unconcerned over sleeping with her.
The "logic" flows as such: I'm currently NOT sleeping with her because I want her to really be in love with me before we do. But if I'm not allowed to be with her, that means she can't ever really be in love with me (because if she could, then we could be together, ne?). Which means suddenly it doesn't matter if we sleep together now (when she doesn't love me but doesn't realize it) or later (when I may not have the opportunity to do so because she'll have realized that she doesn't love me).

Thankfully, my resolve held for one more day, and I think I'm back at a slightly more sane place emotionally, but still... I want to be with her, and the knowledge that I may never be able to... at least if I really want her to be happy... that is the suck.

Morality and the Limitations Therein

Well, Andy is starting to feel better again... I hope she's actually healed up a bit this time (last time she felt better she regressed pretty quickly). A person can only eat so much soup!

I do hope she heals soon... I still have a small, small throat cough (like, once or twice an hour), but that's okay. I gotta remember to throw out the rest of those antibiotics (I kept forgetting to take the last few doses, and by now it's probably not worth it!).

Other than that, not much to report... Andy is slowly driving me up the walls (in a good way... I'm simply far too attracted to her for my own good!), but I'm adament about the whole "Not having sex until you figure out why you like me" thing.

Oh! Bonnie called me last night... left a message. Haven't heard from her in a few weeks... so it was nice to hear her voice. I'm curious why she was calling, but hopefully we'll talk tonight... I miss her. But I'm glad she's in Toronto and doing what she loves (hopefully!).

Sushi is Good!

You know, I'm sure there will be a day when I'm refering to the senpai in kendo named "Sushi" when I use that title... but for today I mean the more traditional sense of the word. Hary, Steve, Andy and I went for All You Can Eat sushi yesterday... it was very acceptable (although I ate a bit too much... but I'm going to the gym again today, and I went yesterday, so I think it'll even out!).

Coincidentally, if I'm still around London for the summer, I can't wait to see the shape I'll be in... biking during the days, kendo and the gym at night...
[contented sigh]

Anyway. Sushi was good. After that, Andy came back to my place (well, first we picked up my and Dave's copies of FFXII... which I'm not allowed to open until next week because I'm a sucker) and let me epilate her... which is a bit like shaving but involves yanking the hair out (with an electric yanker) rather than just cutting them. It's a little painful (I tried it on my hand just for interest's sake), but you can't argue with the end result... Andy's legs were smooth...

And then she only wore a t-shirt and panties to bed...
Which quickly resulted in her losing the shirt (tee hee hee... oops). She's so much fun to play with...
[sigh]
Still nothing more... uh... intense than that, but that's okay. I feel a bit bad about it today, though... she's still pretty sick, and we were keeping each other awake until about 3am. But at least she gets to sleep in today. I'm hoping she feels a lot better when she wakes up, though... I have enough things on my conscience without adding to it the fact that I'm not helping her heal!

Questions. Always Questions.

First things first: kendo, as always, was awesome. Apparently I'm good at the swings, I'm good at the footwork, but when you put the two together... not so good. Nishigori-sensei took several minutes out of his time in advanced practice to help me work on my foot-stomps... they're very different from what I thought they were, but it makes a lot of sense. Problem is that now I have much smaller strides (since I'm doing it properly), and I can't get it timed with the swings yet... very problematic. But whatever, I'm working on it... and I feel pretty confident about the progress I've made so far. I'd say (somewhat arrogantly, perhaps) that out of the new batch of students, I'm one of the better ones.

Now, as for Andy... saw her again last night, but she was tied up talking to Temor (Tay-more) for an hour, and then I only hung around for an hour, hour and a half to make sure she ate some soup, drank her tea, and then got in bed. Afterwards a frantic jog to the bus-stop (first time I've done Scout-Step in a LONG time), then home for laundry, dinner, and thinking.

See, here's my issue. I know I like Andy... that I really have feelings for her and want to be with her. She knows this (I'm pretty rotten at lying these days, and I've never seen the point). Trouble is that I'm worried that maybe I'm not giving her the space to think about Patrick and her relationship the way she should be... not giving her time to heal before she's ready for another relationship. I mean, I don't think I should stop being friends with her or see her less often, but even the limited amount of physical intimacy we do share (the kissing and hugs, plus the sleeping in the same bed together thing)... I'm worried that it's messing with her head. She can't figure out how to describe it to her friends, and that should be a pretty good indication of something, ne?

But I'm pretty sure if I mention it to her, she won't like the idea of me backing off... and it's not like I want to, really... so I'm left trying to figure out if it's really in her best interests or not. Whether I'm just being silly worrying so much, or whether I'm not worrying enough.

Decisions, decisions... ah well. Tonight (hopefully!) we're going out for sushi, and then after that Andy may come back to my place to crash. That'd be pretty awesome!

Oh! Oh! OH! New Final Fantasy came out yesterday! I'm SO going to go pick that badboy up! YAY!