Damnit.

Well, I lost. Eliminated 2nd round to Steve (who ended up winning the whole thing).

And I freely admit that I'm pissed at myself... I was at practice twice as often as Steve... for twice as long, so in theory I've had 4 times more kendo than he's had. And yet he beat me.

He beat me. I can't freakin' believe he beat me. I shoulda had him cold. It should have been a cake-walk. I should have gone home with a medal... because, really, that was my first and probably last chance to get one. From now on if I compete it's against fully trained kendoka who've been doing this stuff for years. But he beat me... no medal. I got a "Spirit Award" from Miyagawa-sensei... which was nice of him, for sure, but sorta just drove home the point that I was there training while Steve was off at church or whatever and he beat me.

[sigh]

Had a long talk with Andy last night about the virtues of delayed gratification over instantaneous gratification, and in my attempts to explain my perspective (that I want to take any pleasure that comes in life when I can, because there's never any assurances that you'll get that opportunity later), I managed to make her feel bad. And completely turned her off. A skill, I tell ya...
[sigh]
She seemed to feel better this morning, but the little black cloud that I had after losing yesterday has come back for me... I don't want to be here (at work), I don't want to feel this way, and I really, really don't want to have to deal with my father shortly.

And, when all is said and done... as much as Andy seems to like me... and as much as I try to respect her space and her need to think things over, I'm still not sure she really likes me. Or I should say she's not sure. Is this going to be another kendo-beginner-competition thing, where I work my ass off only to "lose" to some guy that doesn't put in half as much effort as me but has a 6-pack stomach or something?

I really like kendo. It hurts that I lost and I need to get over this feeling of "Well, now I'll never win anything and what's the point of trying" because I didn't start kendo to win... I wanted something to focus on, something to work towards, something for me. I've got to stop thinking about the competition and get back to thinking about getting better because I want to be better.
I really like Andy. I really like Andy. And I've got to stop worrying about how she feels about me... I'll never have control over that, nor would I want it. I'm just going to try and enjoy the fact that I'm with somebody as awesome as she is... who fits so well with me.