STH Moments

STH... Straight To Hell moments. Last night had a few.
Andy had called while I was at the stupid Shareholder meeting (which felt like it took forever... in reality, it was closer to 3.5 hours, but be damned if it didn't feel like at least 5). Apparently her apartment is full of mold... or mould... anyway, not a healthy place to be. So I said she could crash at my place and she accepted the offer... she got there around 10:20 (I got home around 10), and we talked a bit... she changed into one of my t-shirts (and I, once again, was placed in the semi-enviable position of trying to keep from drooling) and then we talked more... at one point while we were sitting on the couch she put her head on my stomach and I lay my arm across her shoulder/arm. It just felt... well, fabulous, really. And painful... I really do like her, but knowing that this is as close (physically) as I'm ever going to get to her is kinda harsh. And, of course, the constant reoccuring thought: I'm going to the special hell for this. The one reserved for people that take advantage of women or who talk in theatres.

Anyway, woke her up this morning (after trying very hard to not stare at her sleeping in my bed... have I mentioned that she's pretty? 'Cause she's really pretty), made omelletes (they turned out okay) and then bolted for the bus... she stayed behind at my place. So now I'm at work thinking about how awesome it would be if she were really at my place for me, not just because she needed a place to crash... fighting off the mental urges to just lift her in my arms and finally kiss her.
[sigh]

These thoughts will pass. Andy has Patrick, Patrick is awesome and hot and she loves him. For me... such things are not to be. One of these days I may meet somebody, though. That'd be nice.

Decision.

Well, I've decided... back to University I go. Or at least try to go.
I hope it's the right decision... I guess it's up to me to make it the right decision. So be it... it will be nice to be back at University, I suppose! And maybe that means I can take Kendo for a few years yet... I guess we'll see!

In other news, Shauna says she may be in town on Saturday... that'd be cool. Feels like a very long time since I've seen her (it has been a very long time since I've seen her!), and as much as I like Andy, I really need to focus on something else for awhile so I can stop falling for her!

And Kendo on Friday... my first lesson! Yee! I know I shouldn't be this excited, but be damned if I'm not!

Sadly, tonight we have the AGM at work... so that will keep me busy until about 10pm, probably. Which sucks... but whatever. Only once a year... and since I now know that I won't be here for very much longer... small sacrifice!

LAG!

So, made a nice post yesterday about the fact that Patrick is awesome (Andy's boyfriend... good looking, smart, funny... basically everything I'm not) and that I'm both glad and depressed they're together (Glad = Andy has a guy she really deserves and is happy with, Depressed = It's not and never will be ME).

And I had a bit of a post about the Masters student position offered to me by UWO and the fact that I don't know if I want it or not... I'll have to tell my father tomorrow one way or the other, and so tonight I'm going to talk to Andy about it and try and do the last minute thinking that will hopefully help.

But then the internet ate the post. So I'm repeating it here!

There ya go. All caught up to speed.

Two Issues.

First and foremost, Patrick is a great guy. Andy's boyfriend Patrick. Very stand-up sorta fella... smart, funny, good looking (the dude is ripped... thin, but not scrawny by any extent of the imagination)... likes video games and comics and anime, likes Jpop, picks up games quickly... not much sense of rhythm, but other than that I find no fault with him.

Makes me kinda depressed. But whatever... it cements my earlier (and correct) belief that Andy is happy, dating a great guy, and I'm going to do everything in my power to not screw this up. Otherwise it'll be just another Bonnie-Jason situation, and that was hard enough the first time. On the plus side, I think he'll fit into the group as well, so my worries about the Post-Thanksgiving dinner (where I invited him just because of Andy) have now evaporated... should be a lot o fun. It was fun hangin' out with Andy, Patrick and Harry on Saturday... I think more people (and therefore better games of RoboRally and Cosmic) will be very good. Ooh, and maybe Puerto Rico... anyway, I'm looking forward to it. Made me feel very lonely afterwards, but that's okay... that's my own particular brand of psychosis, and I'm still really glad I had everybody over and that I got to meet Patrick. Jealous, sure, but it'll pass... and it's much, much better than if Patrick was a jerk. Then I'd be sad and frustrated!

Second issue is the whole Masters thing... the more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm leaning towards accepting the position (if they'll let me... never a sure thing). More free time = good, less time at work = very good, being back at university = not bad. The only real downsides is that I hate physics with a passion and they won't let me TA... I'd love to TA. But whatever... in the grand scheme of things, those aren't such big issues.
I'm just worried that I'll regret it (like I regretted studying physics in the first place, like I regret working here). Because I really, really hate studying and doing physics. Is it worth it to do more?

I dunno. I really don't.

Sad Yesterday.

So yesterday I was really, really sad. Today I'm doing a lot better... in a couple minutes I may actually go get some work done (I know! How crazy is that!). The sleep helped... and volunteering today was good. I'm starting to get the hang of it... I think next week I'll stay the full 3, 3.5 hours! Yay!

Other than that, not much to say, really... going to try and join Kendo again tonight, have a fitness appraisal tomorrow and then I'm going to try and hang out with Harry, Andy and Patrick... should be interesting. I hope Patrick (Andy's boyfriend) is a nice guy... because if he's a jerk I'm going to be really upset.

Anyway... only 3 hours of work left! Yay!

A New Mantra?

I'm going straight to hell. I really am.

I mean, okay, we already knew this... it shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody that knows me. But Andy is so cute... and she likes DDR and she plays video games and she has the prettiest smile... and yesterday while we were waiting for the bus she sat on my leg (not like that, you perverts) and it was a physical trial not to just reach out and hug her.

[sigh]
STRAIGHT to hell.

This is a test. It's God (ha!) testing me to see if I mean it about deserving better than a woman in a relationship... about being willing to wait for the right person to come along. This is a test of me trying to not be selfish and try to get Andy because her being with Patrick is much better for her. She's happy with him... I couldn't make her happy.

Maybe I need to start repeating that to myself... "She's happy. You can't make her happy"... that might help.

And more cold showers. LOTS more cold showers.


STRAIGHT to HELL.

Plans?

So tonight Andy and Ross (her friend whom I have not met yet) are supposed to be coming over for dinner. Ross is allergic to dairy and gluten... but I bought a whole mess of random veggies and chicken yesterday, so hopefully we can assemble something he'll like. I should think about stealing a pair of latex gloves from work, though... just to handle the hot peppers I bought (although I don't imagine that either the red or the jalapeno peppers are really that particularly hot... you never know!).

Oh, and I bought Burnout Revenge because apparently Andy likes it more... I played a few races last night in an effort to unlock a bit... it's not a bad game, certainly pretty, but I think I still prefer Burnout 3. Traffic is deadlier in 3, for one thing... and everything seems brighter. But Andy was right about the Crash Junctions... they're a lot more involved, longer, and more interesting. For $20, not a bad purchase, I think.

Other than that... no Kendo again last night (apparently classes won't start until next week)... and they changed the hours on me again, but that's okay (class ends earlier but starts earlier... means I won't have time for dinner before class, but that's probably a good thing). I'll try to sign up (AGAIN!) next week. Hopefully with more success!

Saw That Coming.

Got chewed out for showing up late to work today.

Arrived 2 minutes after my father. But whatever. I HATE this job.

Another good weekend! Huz... yay!

So Dave came down last weekend... and Andy was free, so the three of us hung out on Saturday. Good times, good times... sushi was expensive but good, junk food was expensive but good, and the games were free! Yay free!

We tried to go to Blackfriars, but it wasn't open (we got there at 2:30, and on Saturdays they open at 5). Ah well... as mentioned above, the sushi was an acceptable replacement.

And then Andy tried DDR... and she looks purty in the shorts I lent her.
[sigh]
I really, really need to get over this quickly. Dave pointed out very accurately that Andy is extremely cool and as a result I have to try harder not to screw things up (his words were more along the lines of "I know you Marc... be careful." Wish I could say he was wrong).

Anyway, that's neither here nor now... Andy loves DDR! Huzz... yay! And I ordered the turkey and lamb for my post-Thanksgiving dinner (gotta find a good lamb recipe now... I hope you can pot-roast a leg of lamb!)... ooh, and I gotta figure out how to transport it to my house. Maybe I'll strong-arm Harry into giving me a lift... there are some benefits to owning a car, apparently.

So, the pieces are in place... all that's needed now is the end-game. I'll have 2 actual Konami DDR pads (hopefully), both mics for Karaoke Revolution, 4 bongos for Donkey Konga (YAY!), but only 1 guitar for Guitar Hero... gotta see if I can scare up a second one for either really cheap or free (which would be better). And chairs... I'll be short on chairs.

I should also finish unpacking my crap so that I have as much floor-space as possible... maybe even rotate my bookshelf 90 degrees. Huh. Woulda been smart to get Dave to help with that... ah well. Still like 5 weeks to go.

And I'm still bummed that Bonnie won't be coming... but whatever. Trying not to focus on it too much.

Ooh, I also painted the models for RoboRally... horribly geeky thing to do, but most of 'em look pretty good. Except Hammerbot... the black-wash makes him look dirty, but not in a good-grimy sorta way (in a poorly-painted sorta way). I've tried touching him up afterwards, but it's not working... maybe I should try an orange-wash? Hmmm... I'll ask the guys at Games Workshop when I buy the pink paint I'll need (to make Chantal's Carcasonne guy's pink... women are crazy, man).

Friday! Woo!

Volunteering was much better today... still had butterflies in my stomach (such a nice feeling to have that back!) and I was a little light-headed for a bit, but overall I held my ground and got through it! And tonight I'm going to try and sign up for Kendo again... although I am a bit more broke than initially planned (turns out I forgot to pay my Rogers bill last month... I thought I had a bit too much money. Ah well... it'll all work out).

Dave's coming down to London tomorrow, which is awesome... I picked up Return to Castle Wolfenstein (which, in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I never finished) because it has 2-player co-op apparently... so that could be fun. And then dinner with him and Andy... followed by hopefully some DDR and Karaoke Revolution (yay!). Should be fun!

Cold Showers.

So Andy and I hung out last night... I made vegetarian chili (which was quite good, albeit in need of salt... easily rectified) and we played a few quick and easy games (she tried Katamari for the first time... I think she likes it). And I FINALLY got her in my pants!

...

What? Her jeans were wet so I lent her a pair of my scrubs. Technically I got her in my socks too.

[sigh]
I'm going straight to hell... do not pass go, do not collect $200.

But she really is very kosher... I mean, I'm glad she's not single and all (like I think I've mentioned before) because then I'd screw things up with her in some massive, horrible way... as it is, it's just nice to have something to daydream about occasionally. And anything that gets me to stop thinking about Bonnie that way... definitely a plus. Not that I think about Bonnie that often. But I still find myself walking and thinking about how she felt sometimes... or the way her skin smells. Or that look in her eyes when she was laughing...
[sigh]

Hopefully I can join the Kendo club tomorrow... and I gotta remember to read that folder tonight if I can. And get lots of sleep so I don't pass-out volunteering again!

No Kendo Yet...

Damnit, they weren't there! Lousy luck on my part... I shoulda guessed they wouldn't have started yet. But then again, I left at about 8:15 and apparently class doesn't start until 8:30 on Tuesdays... whoopsies! I thought it was 8 (obviously)... oh well. No harm, no foul... I'll try again on Friday with hopefully better results! Of course that will require figuring out how to get to the downtown dojo... but here's hoping there aren't any problems. I think the 23 MIGHT get pretty close... we'll find out one way or the other.

Greg looked into the Aikido place... sadly, it's moved to the extreme North end of London (2 buses... which is 1 too many for my tastes... but who knows, it might be faster than the downtown Kendo dojo!).

Other than that, Andy is planning on coming over tonight... just going to make some veggie chili, play vids, and chill. It's so nice having somebody I can just hang out with... of course I'll have to rush through the workout a little, but considering it's a leg day (I hate leg days), that shouldn't be too much of a sacrifice.

And my father, bless his soul, wants to know if I'm commited to doing this stupid Masters thing. I really, really don't want to. Really really. But that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. The question is... would it be better than doing this job?

I don't know. I really don't. Studying physics was better than WORKING at physics... but that's not saying much at all.

Tuesday and all is Well.

Spent last night with the folks... nothing terribly exciting to talk about, really. I'm tired and a bit cranky today, but I'm really looking forward to trying out Kendo tonight (8pm at Western!). My only concern is that you have to pay for a full year, but even if I only go for 8 months I think it'll be worth it... after that I may be leaving the city, of course (May is still 8 months away... ye gods).

Other news, other news... ooh, Dave may be coming down on the weekend, that'll be cool... always nice to hang with him. Means I should pick up Return to Wolfenstein if I see it... I don't know many other co-op FPSers on any platform (which is really unfortunate... one of Halo's strong points!). Bill got a job (good for him!), and Lenka is getting ready to put Alice into daycare... that's gonna be rough for her, I think, but she wants to start working (which is good). Andy had fun on the weekend (although she was really tired when she wrote last night... I should call her tonight... and Shauna! I really should call Shauna), and I think that's about it, actually. Hmm. Oh well.

Anyway, I'll let ya know how Kendo goes tonight when I write tomorrow... hopefully sore, bruised, and happy!

Calm Weekend

After the chaos (and fun) of last weekend, a nice quiet weekend was definitely in order. Thankfully, that's what I had... besides my trip to the gym with Harry on Saturday, I'm pretty sure I never left my apartment. Did a little drawing at home (uploaded to my nigh-empty DeviantART account), played a lot of Oblivion (yes, yes, I know it's old... but I'm going through one of my RPG kicks, and I never completed Oblivion the first time through...), and chatted with Tracy on MSN.

I'm proud of her, for whatever that's worth... she's turning into a fine young woman. Still a little unsure of herself, but that's to be expected... she's still so young.

And I chatted briefly with Bonnie to see if she wanted to come down for my Thanksgiving dinner this year... she said she'd have to think about it. I hope she comes... I mean, I hope everyone I invite comes, but Bonnie is the least certain of them. Everyone else... I'm pretty hopeful they can make it. And if not... menh. I'll be sad, but I'm coming to grips with it.

Volunteering Woes.

Well, first day of volunteering today... it was fun, but I think I learned 2 important lessons:
1. Never go to a volunteer shift with less than 4 hours of sleep the day before. Bad mojo.
2. Don't donate blood within 12 hours of your volunteer shift.

The people there (Heather and Jose... that's Joe-say, not Ho-say like in Spanish) were very understand of the fact I almost passed out... and I couldn't even tell you why I was going to pass out! I just got light-headed and that nifty-fun narrowing of vision thing. Still, I'm hoping when I go back next week (well rested and with all bodily fluids restored) that I won't have this problem... it does really seem like fun! We'll have to see, I suppose.

Oh, and Margaret called me up last night... she was terribly hurt by the fact I implied in my e-mail that it might be a few years before I left London (apparently in her head I'm moving to Vancouver soon). And while I may be moving to Vancouver soon (I'd love to... still the best city I've ever been to), it worries me a bit that she's taking everything so personally... maybe she was just having a bad day or something, I dunno. Women are crazy. But is partially responsible for my light-headed-almost-fainting spell at the hospital... I must've yawned 50 times so far today. Ah well... when I finish work I'm going home and I'm sleeping... maybe only a nap so I can get up and see if my brother is around to chat for awhile later. I guess we'll have to see.

Oooh, and I should call Shauna (I think she's back from her vacation now) and Bonnie... it's been awhile since I've actually called them.

Confessions of a Simple Mind.

Okay, so I like Andy. I mean, she's fun, she's funny, she has a killer set of legs and a nice smile and she's well read. She's bright, charming, and while I think she's lacking in a bit of self-confidence, overall I think she's pretty awesome.

And really, I want to screw her brains out.
[sigh]

Don't get me wrong... she has a boyfriend, I respect that and I'm not about to make any advances or plays to get her in bed. And I'm certainly not hanging out with her just because I want to sleep with her... I was a bit worried about that at first, but the feeling is passing. Really, she's the most awesome person I've met since moving to London and I'm petrified of the fact I find her so attractive. I really don't want to mess this up... I have few enough friends as it is. Possibly because I kept trying to sleep with the other ones... who knows? Anyway, bygones... I'm sure she's figured this much out, but I'm going to just motor on and work on the parts of her I like that don't involve sex.

Because, really, as much as I like her (and I do), and I can't say that I have feelings for her... more than friendship, at least. And I don't want "just" sex any more... I mean, yes, I miss it like hell, but I want more. I think I deserve more. And while she is unquestionably good looking (I'd say beautiful most of the time), it really wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I'm guessing this is God's way of testing my resolve... to see if I will stay true to my intent to be just friends and not try and take advantge of the situation (as much as I might want to sometimes).

I'm just lucky that she really is very cool... if I didn't like her this much, things might get messy. As it is, it's TOTALLY worth a bit of lost sleep and frequent cold showers to stay friends with her... she even played Guitar Hero last night! And she was GOOD (for a beginner at least... she'll get better!).

Anyway, enough of that. Just thought I should get it off my mind and onto paper (well... electronic paper). At least here it's harmless... and in a few years maybe I can look back on this and laugh. Here's hoping!

Another Day with Andy!

Well, tonight Andy's coming over for dinner again... yay! I'm really looking forward to it... we're going to attempt something that will approximate Peking Duck (the recipe says that if you like Peking duck, you'll like the recipe... I've never had Peking duck, but Andy says it's great... heck, I've never had duck before, so it should be an experience!).

Maybe I'll get to introduce her to DDR... that'd be cool. We'll have to see how the evening progresses. I'm glad I randomly met her, though... it's nice having something to look forward to, and so far she's been really cool. Mental Note: Don't screw this up.

In other news, I've decided that I'm going to sign up for Kendo this year. I'm hoping Linda (Dave's ex) stands by her decision to drop out, because being in class with her would be weird... but even then I'd join. I want something that will make me sweat my ass off, cause me to get bruised, and be something I can devote a lot of time to... I think Kendo will fulfill all of those almost as well as Aikido would (and since I still can't find a nearby Aikido club... Kendo will do!). And hopefully it won't be too expensive.

And tomorrow I have that interview... gotta see if I can sneak some study-time to find out about this Dr. Mittler a bit... I hate going into interviews blind. But I'm not worried about it at all (which is unfortunate... I probably should be a LITTLE worried)... just an excuse to get out of work for the morning! And that's always a good thing.

Fan Expo

Well, the long weekend has come and gone. I spent the majority of it in Toronto... good times for the most part. The Ex was fun... won $10 at blackjack, another $25 in this Global Prison-Break game thing, and spent about that much on food and games. Overall, I call it a win... and Dave and Chantal seem really happy together (they've only been dating for 2 months, but still... they make a sweet couple). Did a lot of walking... was a bit sore by the end of the day, but we're still chalking it up to a win.

The Fan Expo on Saturday, though... that was awesome. I spent WAY too much money (about... well, $200 all told), but got a lot of nifty stuff... books and sketchbooks and posters and a few manga... which reminds me I need to buy tacmac so I can stick some of 'em on my walls! I wish I had more time... I was only there for 6 hours or so before I had to head out to dinner.

And dinner was... good. The food was great (Astoria in Toronto... perhaps my favourite Greek restaurant ever), Bonnie and Harry were good company... I suspect heavily that Harry has a thing for Bon, though. I could be wrong (Harry is remarkably hard to read), but I don't think I am... and they'd make a good couple, I think. But it did leave me feeling very lonely... you'd think after all this time that I'd be completely over Bon, and yet, here we are...
[sigh]

Ah well. Talked to Margaret twice... once at a normal time, and again this morning at way-too-early o'clock (it was only about 6:45am... but it FELT early). I think she's taking the move pretty hard... she probably feels about as lonely as I do, poor thing. But she starts her Master's degree today, so I think she'll probably start meeting new people and getting a wider group of friends. She's told me that she loves me like... three or four times in the last week (including e-mails)... it's kinda nice to hear, but it always leaves me worried. I mean, she really shouldn't love me... I didn't do anything particularly good to her, and I certainly can't say I love her back (although, in all honesty, I can't say it to anyone, really, so that's no surprise). I just hope she's happy... well, that she becomes happier, I suppose. And that she meets somebody that can and will love her back as she deserves. Until then, I'll put up with the early morning calls!

Speaking of calls, spoke with Andy last night as well... apparently she had fun in Montreal, which is good. Hopefully we'll get together tomorrow... and then I have that interview on Thursday morning (yeah, lookin' forward to that like a hole in the head). But it'll be nice to chill with Andy again... she WANTS to learn how to play DDR, so that's very cool. I'll have to clean the place up a bit (maybe finally vacuum it this time!), and maybe thaw that duck... hmmm... if I start marinating it tomorrow morning, it'll probably have enough time... or, alternatively... I could start marinating it while it's still frozen, but I don't know how well that'd work. Or maybe thaw it in the microwave, and THEN marinate... that's probably the best bet, actually. I'll have to check the manual... I doubt frozen duck is common enough to warrent a button on my microwave!