Even Coffee can't make it go away...

I don't drink coffee. But even if I did, I think I'd be sad today.

Why? That's sort of a good question. Let's see if I can list 'em in order.
1. Talked to Bonnie last night... she had just gotten back from a trip to Montreal with Jason. I try to not let it get to me, but it still does... and I know her and I will never be together... I get all that, really. But still... it turns my stomach a bit and always makes me sad. I don't even know if she'd tell me if she were dating/sleeping with Jason... or any other guy, for that matter. And I'm certainly not going to ask... because it shouldn't matter, right? Right. I want her to be happy... I really do... I just don't know why it always makes me sad, ne?

2. Heather hasn't called. In... what... 3, 4 days? Not a huge deal, I suppose... but still, it kinda makes me sad. I get that she's probably really busy and all that... or maybe something came up and she's off in the wild-blue yonder for awhile, I dunno. But whatever. I really wanted her to like me, and I don't think she's that interested... of course, that might be for the best, considering how hung up on Bon I still am at times. Whatever.

3. Chantal and Dave. I mean, its awesome that they're together and happy and all that stuff... it really is. But I still feel like I'm losing my best friend and one of my closest buddies. I mean, its stupid... but before long Chantal will be talking to Dave about all the things she used to need/want to talk to me about. And at the same time, I really want the two of them to be happy... they both deserve it! So really it just leaves me feeling like a jerk. A lonely, very stupid jerk.

Ah well. Whatever. I'm going to go drawing today... assuming it doesn't rain this afternoon, of course. Hopefully that will help make me feel better... I do enjoy drawing. Wish I were better at it.

Goodbye to you...

Well, Margaret and I had our farewell dinner. She's off to Germany in a little while... I probably won't see her again for a very long time.

It was kinda sad, but that's to be expected... more tears than I expected as well, but hey, the woman has massive tear-ducts (she cries... all the time...).

And it made me very, very broke... $90 for dinner! Yeesh!

Oh well... it's almost my "weekend" again... and this one is extra long (Thursday-Monday!). Not sure what I'm going to do with 5 days off in a row... but hopefully "Enjoy Myself!" will be right up there! Probably a few long bike-rides... some walks... but as little spending money as possible. Ooh, and vids... lots of vids... and drawing. That too. Hopefully lots of it.

Mmmm... can't wait!

Actual work... at work!

I know, I know... I'm stunned, personally.

But, it's true... I actually have things to do today. Joy. Of course, they want it finished in record time or less... but whatever. There's a rumour that I'm going to be flying out to Nova Scotia in the next week or two... helluva lot better than Saudi Arabia, I tell you what! I'm actually kinda looking forward to it... although I don't remember the project I'm being sent out to align... at all... but I tend to be pretty quick on my feet, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

I hope!

Ooh, I hope that my volunteering doesn't start before that... that would be... sucky. But whatever.

Tonight I say goodbye to Margaret... apparently we're gonna go out for dinner. Don't know where, just yet... but it doesn't really matter. It'll be nice to see her again... hopefully she's feeling okay and happier than she has been in the past. I will miss her... but, as previously mentioned, she's going off to far bigger and better things, and I'm sure we'll keep in touch via e-mail. At least, I hope so!

Anyway, gotta get this stupid system aligned.

Weekends. Huh.

So... that was a weekend with almost nothing to do. Interesting... I'll have to what that's like... although, all things considered, I may just end up doing LESS this weekend coming up than I did last weekend... and this weekend is a long one for everyone. Ah well.

Got to see Shauna... that was nice. Draining and exhausting in some senses, but Shauna often has that sort of effect on me. We get into arguments about silly little things... she was trying to chew me out for my inability to budget. I asked her a few simple questions about her budget (things like... how much of your paycheck do you spend a month?), and her complete lack of knowledge surprised me... she's probably worse at budgeting than I am! It doesn't count as "budgeting" if you have no debts, dear...
{sigh}

Whatever. It was enlightening, though... and the cake (Symposium, of course) was good. It'll probably take me another couple days to work off all the lard I inhaled, but whatever... I worked out a bunch of Saturday night and Sunday (go DDR!), but probably not enough.

Other than that, though, the weekend was extremely depressing. Almost crushingly so at times... but whatever, again. That's my fault more than anything... I'm just not good at having nobody to talk to.
{shrugs}
It'll pass. It always does.

Lastly... Heather already has plans for the weekend. I get the impression that they don't include me (she mentioned her sister and hangin' out with the Zeliskos). I think I'm going to take that as a sign... I'm obviously putting too much into this. Let the record show that I tried... but, for the third time this post: Whatever. Not worth my effort. Which sucks, but hey... I didn't do it this time.

Ooh, I lied. NOW lastly: Love Hina and GTO make some damn fine mangas... make me feel very, very old, though.

Such is life.

So... Heather didn't ask to come down for the weekend. Such is life.
I've given up on seeing her tomorrow and made other plans... I'd put them off as long as I could in the hopes of her wanting to see me, but in the end I couldn't (and wouldn't) cancel on the CHANCE she decides she wants to come down. But if she doesn't ask by next Wednesday... I'll probably just ask her!

I hope I'm not rushing things... see, now I understand how normal people feel about these relationship things. It's kinda fun, sure... but more stressful than my old method, I tell you what!

Oh well. Good things are worth waiting for... and besides, considering the distance between us, I suppose it's natural that we wouldn't see each other THAT often. Still, it would be nice.

I also have plans to see Margaret on Tuesday... a chance to say goodbye to my only friend in London. That'll be kinda sad... but she's going off to do bigger and better things, and it's been about 3 weeks since I've seen her. I hope she has fun in Germany (and then Vancouver... I'm more than a little jealous!).

I hope Heather's okay with the fact that most of my friends are female... although, in reality, that's not as much the case any more since I only have a few friends.

Ooh, and Bonnie had to cut our phone call last night short... which is okay, really, because I was in a very tired and somewhat grumpy mood, but still, it didn't make me feel any better. And that feeling in the pit of my stomach still hasn't quite gone away. Hmmm. Ah well. I suppose I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Dreams.

You know, it's weird. I know I had a dream last night... but I can't remember any of it.

That, in itself, isn't that weird... I normally don't remember my dreams. But the fact that I KNOW I had a dream... that bit is weird. Normally it's just... sleep, wake up. That's it. Not this morning... this morning I was sad when I woke up. Sad and drained... not "tired", but at the same time... just... a feeling that something was wrong. I wish I could remember the dream. Or, more importantly, figure out why I feel this way.

Chantal and Dave are going on a date on Sunday... go guys! I'm happy for them, so I'm trying to not let this feeling in the pit of my stomach go anywhere... but I really am happy for 'em. They'll make an extremely cute couple. Hopefully they're good for each other... but either way, I'm going to try and keep out of it as much as I can.

Maybe that's it... this feeling. I'm worried that I'll lose them as friends... it's not like a have a lot of extra friends just milling about. And Chantal has been one of my closest friends for years now... but whatever. This is a good thing. It is. They both deserve to be happy... and I think they will be happy together.

Heather didn't call last night... I'm not too surprised, she does have a life afterall (unlike me... no life here). I'm in St.Marys with my parents tonight, so even if she calls I won't be around for it. But I don't think she will... looming feeling of dread, I suppose.

Lastly, things with Margaret are finally winding down. She's hurt, of course, but that's expected... I just hope I can help her. I don't think she quite believes that she needs good friends more than she's ever needed a boyfriend (which I didn't want to be anyway)... but whatever. Being rejected is never easy, and she seems to be taking it pretty well. Of course, it could be because she's leaving for Germany in a few weeks. Who knows? Women are crazy.

I hope Heather calls. I hope she likes me.
(sigh)
Cheer up, emo kid... ah well!

Tale of Two Phone Calls.

So, last night I spent about two hours talking to Bonnie.

After that, I spent two hours talking to Heather.

It was... enlightening. Talking to Bonnie is like going over my soul with a scouring pad... it's harsh, painful at times, and always leaves me feeling exposed... but at the same time cleaner and clearer. Talking with Heather is a joy... she's got the most infectious laugh. I babble with her... half the time I don't even know what I'm talking about, but that's okay. It's fun.

It's hard to explain, but it was pretty awesome. Things with Bonnie are good, things with Heather are good... both heading in directions that I think I approve of. Bonnie commented about wanting to see Dave and Chantal together (for the record, I agree... I think they'd make a very cute couple, but be damned if I'm going to get them there... that's THEIR job, not mine! Besides, I'm having enough problem with my own relationships to try and mess with other people's)... I hope Chantal warms up to Bonnie. I guess it depends on how things go with us, really... whether I can ever really claim to be over her.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be with Bon any more. I know that we're really just not meant to be. But there are still moments when I can close my eyes and see her next to me and I miss her. Of course, currently I do that with Heather too, and in her case I don't believe that we aren't meant to be together... I'm not saying we are, but I'm saying it's at least possible. And she's awesome...

She still hasn't asked to come see me this weekend... and she's only got a few more days before I finalize plans to do other things on the weekend. I'm trying to give her all the time I can, though, in case she decides last minute... but I'd hate to cancel everything else and then just be alone on the weekend. That would suck.

Of course, it might be for the best... but still. I guess we'll see... she still has a few days, and if I have to wait until next weekend... it's not a huge deal. Good things are totally worth waiting for.

Post Weekend Wrap Up.

Okay, so... Saturday was good... Heather and I had the sex talk (which everyone has been telling me was too soon... oh well! Seemed like a good time at the time... and she called me on Sunday, so she obviously wasn't completley scared off... and that's a good thing!). She's a good kisser... have I mentioned that? Very soft and sweet... I hope she thinks I'm okay.

Went and saw X3... I was sad at the ending, but at least Charles got back. That's cool.

Sunday with the 'folks... was okay. Not nearly as bad as normal, but still didn't sleep much. Bed's too small and hard... I'm spoilt, I know.

Now, for this week, we have our first crisis of faith. I told Heather it was up to her when we get together next... but I don't know if she wants to get together this weekend or not. I'm thinking not, just on a hunch, but I honestly don't know. She might surprise me. It'd be nice to see her this weekend, but I'm certainly not going to rush her... and if she decides that it's too soon to see me again, so be it. I'm supposed to go to a party on Friday anyway (just a little shin-dig at a friend of a friend's). I might cancel, though... I dunno. A lot of thinking to do, I suppose. Hopefully things will work themselves out. That'd be nice.

Nervous? Nah...

Okay, maybe a LITTLE...

Tomorrow I'm going to Hamilton (2nd time in 2 weeks... weird). I'm going to hang out with Heather for about 5 hours. I have... no idea what we're going to do.
(sigh)

I mean, we're probably going to eat at some point. I may inflict Bubble Tea on her... if she hasn't had it before, of course. Just to see what she thinks. But... I dunno! Where should we go? What should we do? WHAT SHOULD I WEAR??

Aiiyah... this "dating" stuff is hard. Especially because I'm not really sure we're dating (I mean... it's a little early to think that). She does make me laugh, though... so I guess we'll see. I wonder if she's nervous about it... probably not. But I dunno!

Hmmm... she already knows I work for my father (something I managed to keep from Margaret... she STILL doesn't know!), and that I don't own a car... so if she's still willing to see me, then I don't really have that many more embarassing things to tell her (which is good). A few remarkably STUPID things, but those can wait for awhile. Ooh, and maybe I'll get to meet her cat... I loves cats.

Ah well. At work again today... it is currently around 10 o'clock, and I'm thinking I'll stay until about 2. Go to the gym, work my butt off (gotta look good for Saturday!), then head home and... I dunno! Panic about tomorrow, I guess!

First of my half-days.

Well, it's offically the first day of Work Sharing here at work... which means technically I don't have to be here. And yet, here I am... after a breakfast meeting, no less. So I'm even EARLY for a day of work I don't have to be at! What can I say... I'm a masochist. And as much as I hate my job (and I DO), I want the company to do well... just because I loathe it with a passion doesn't mean that everybody here does... and some of these people really need the work. Such is life, I suppose.

SO! Exciting news... I'm going to be in Hamilton on Saturday! Huzzah! Heather invited me down... well, more like I asked if I could come down and she agreed to see me. Yay! I'm starting to panic a little... but just a little. I don't know what I'm going to wear, I should buy a new hat (my current one is getting a bit ratty), and I haven't the foggiest what we'll DO while I'm down there... but other than that, I'm good to go!

She invited me to see her apartment... I'm sure it doesn't mean what I think it means... and I am looking forward to seeing her place (she has a kitty named Emma... can't wait to meet her! I love cats... I loves them so much).

Anyway, off to pretend to do HALF A DAY OF WORK!
Man, I'm so happy at that I could almost burst.

There's always another shoe...

She's a Scorpio.

You know, the funny thing is I don't really care that Heather is a Scorpio. Sure, I've had bad experiences in the past, but let's be honest... MOST of my previous relationships were bad experiences, and by no fault of astrological signs. That was all me... mostly being immature and stupid. Still, it woulda been nice if she were a Virgo... but, c'est la vie. I have no problem dating a Scorpio.

Now, the trick, of course, is that we're not technically dating. I mean, we've sorta been on one date, if you can call it that... but she lives in Hamilton, and I'm most certainly stuck here in London. Maybe on Saturday I can trump up some excuse to come down for the day, and then head to my father's place Saturday evening. That might work out pretty well, actually... hmmm... I'll have to ask her about it later. Maybe we can go out for lunch, go for a walk... I dunno, whatever it is that the kids do on "dates" these days.

Pity I have to go see my father, of course... but, I suppose some sacrifices must be made.

She wrote back!

Heather wrote me back... whee! This is officially good news... and I can always use some good news. My parents have been royal pains in my butt, work has been multiple kinds of suck... but Heather wrote me back!

I have to remember not to get ahead of myself, though... I still don't know her that well, after all... and there's a good chance things just won't work out. But, as Chantal very accurately points out, it is very nice to have something to look forward to for a change.

I was right about Margaret, though... her feelings were hurt. That's to be expected, really... she's leaving a month from yesterday, though, so the fallout will be limited. She is a good friend, though, even if somewhat emotionally unstable... I'll miss her... but a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

Now I have all new and exciting psychosis to deal with... got to get back into shape faster. I was doing pretty well before the wedding, but the wedding itself wasn't exactly a bastion of proper eating habits, so I'll have to make up for that. I think I'll start by doing 15 minutes of skipping at the gym instead of 10, and swimming with Harry whenever I get the chance... I hate swimming, but I really want to look good, so again a small sacrifice isn't unprecidented. And Heather's purty... I wanna look good for her.

Ooh, and I have to call her tonight... I'm actually looking forward to it (a few butterflies, sure, but they're EXCITED butterflies!). Wish me luck!

Weddings are weird.

And expensive. Weird and expensive, these weddings things. But good times, good times.

The ceremony itself an hour of standing while a Ukrainian Catholic priest sang mass... strange stuff. But very sweet... Paul cried like a baby for a little bit, and Heather was in tears a few times herself. Very "awwwww..." moments. The reception was fun... I was trying very, very hard to be good, but I crumbled under the intenseness of Heather 2... that would be the Heather at the wedding NOT getting married. She's extremely pretty, and it turns out a remarkably talented kisser... plus she's really interesting. Bright, funny... I think I might be a little smitten, and that has me worried. We didn't have sex (and I'm very glad for that, in a strange sorta way), but... again... good kisser. I'm worried she's not that into me, now that the whole "wedding magic" thing has worn off... but she definitely kissed me goodbye when I left yesterday, and I'm taking that as a positive sign.

Did I mention that she's a good kisser? Hell ya.


See? This worries me... but I refuse to be pessimistic about it! I'm going to write her when I get home, I think... just a quick e-mail to let her know my e-mail address, and that I'm thinking about her... Chantal doesn't think I should ask her out again quite so soon, and I think that's good advice. It's a week until Heather 1 and Paul get back from their honeymoon, and hopefully Heather 1 will fill Heather 2 with good information and happy things about how awesome I am... so that might help my case (although I wouldn't count on it... but I can hope!). We'll see, we'll see... either way, I'm glad I went (although it was a little ridiculously expensive!). Sucks to be back at work, though, but that was the first truly fulfilling weekend I've had in a very long time.

I brushed off my get-together with Margaret for tonight... I may postpone it indefinitely if Heather 2 gives me any indication whatsoever that she's into me too. That'd be pretty awesome, actually. I mean, I'll still see Margaret, obviously... but it's only a few more weeks until she leaves for Germany and then Vancouver... huzzah! I'll miss her, for sure, but she's destined for bigger and better things... as am I, of course.

My my... I'm in a good mood! This is most remarkable... hope it lasts!

Finally Thursday!

My gods, could this week go by any slower??
It's FINALLY Thursday, and not a moment too soon. I still have a tonne of stuff I need to get done for the weekend, but at least things are moving along... I still need to buy a wedding present and pack... ooh, and I have to wash my dishes. Really should start doing that sooner after I cook... I remember a time when I always had a clean sink. Ah well... I also sorta remember a time when I used to date... I think!

I guess I'm looking forward to the wedding... should be interesting, even if the ceremony is an hour of standing around looking stupid, listening to some old guy prattle on and on about something nobody understands. But, them's the breaks... if a Ukrainian Orthodox wedding is what it takes to make Paul and Heather's families happy... so be it. Personally, I think it's bloody stupid, but I think I'm going to be spending a lot of time this weekend keeping my various opinions to myself. Just smile, be happy for Heather, and keep my fingers crossed that I don't face-plant.

Hey, maybe if I'm lucky I'll remember how to cry! That would be nice... public, but nice. I just hope I cry quietly... but I doubt it'll happen. I guess we'll see!

Almost there...

Well, Heather's wedding starts in two days. I mean, technically, it's not until Saturday, but Friday I have all sorts of stuff I gotta do (brunches, practice ceremonies, rehearsal dinners...). I'm keeping my fingers mentally crossed that I don't do anything dumbass or say anything particularly stupid (both unlikely, but still, a guy can hope).
It's going to take a month to work off what I'm probably going to eat in the next couple days. Mental note... go easy on the food, hard on the dancing...

Ooh, and I have to wear dress shoes. I hate dress shoes... the ones I have now are new and relatively nice, but still a little too pointy for my tastes. Wasn't like I had a lot of choice, though.

Anyway, other than that, there's not a whole lot happenin' or interesting going on (surprise, surprise). I'm hoping next week will herald the start of our shortened weeks... that would be awesome. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

July 12th?

So Margaret leaves for Germany July 12th... that's just over a month away. At current visitation levels, I'll probably see her between 4-6 times before she leaves... possibly slightly more, possibly slightly less (depends on her and my work schedules, I suppose).

The question is, can I keep it up until then? I mean, don't get me wrong... I do like Margaret. But she's getting too attached... at least I think she is. Hard to tell with that woman, sometimes... either way, she normally breaks down and cries at least once whenever I see her, but Sunday was, I think, 4 times. I don't THINK it's my fault... I just think she's comfortable enough around me that it sorta happens. But still... it makes me worry about her. Ah well... this is one of those rare situations that will, one way or the other, work itself out without TOO much interference required. And that's good.

Besides... Friday-Saturday is Heather's wedding! WOO! I'm actually looking forward to that... I hope there are some attractive women who aren't as dumb as bricks! The "best man" (who's a woman) is pretty, but I don't think pretty enough... we'll have to see after she's dressed up. But regardless of the presence or lack of women, it should be a good time. Weird, but good.

Friday...

... and not a nanosecond too soon. Man, I need this weekend like a fat kid needs a smartie (I don't REALLY need it, but because of current circumstances I feel like I must have it to survive... see, it was a very applicable similie!).

Don't know what's up with me recently... feeling very tired and drained. Mostly drained. Not to get all emo or anything, but it hasn't been a terribly good year... and I've now been working at my job for 13 months. Rarely a good sign.


Plus side... days off. Downside... pay cut, coupled with a set of expenses as long as my arm to go to Heather's wedding (tux rental, transportation, hotel room, wedding present, hair stuff...). June will be a very lean month.

But the wedding itself should be entertaining. I just have to stand and look pretty... more complicated for me than it would be for most, but them's the breaks. And I like tuxes... or at least I did. Hope it still fits okay!

But anyway, a lot on my mind, as always... have to decide if I'm going to my father's tonight. I think I'll bow out... not that I don't love my old man, I do, but it's just too much stress for my poor system these days. Besides, I have plans to make, stuff to do, an apartment to clean... ah well. We'll see, I suppose.

Weird, weird things.

So... it looks like in a week or two I'll have all my Thursdays and Fridays off... that's nice...

And I'm officially head of Research at the company now. 27 and head of a department... wow. I'm not sure if I should be impressed or scared. Both, I suppose... ah well. At least I don't actually have to do research, that'd be awful... just manage people. I'm pretty good at that, in general. Nice enough people don't instinctively dislike me, but enough of a bastard that I can probably get things done anyway.


Menh, whatever. I'm just looking forward to my Thursdays and Fridays off! Woo!