Farewell, adieu.

So my mother is now officially retired. Had the party and everything.

More people showed up for it than I would have initially suspected... dear ol' mom has had a bigger impact on people's lives than I would have thought possible. It's weird, though... all these kids who were positively impacted by my mother being a caring and attentive teacher... and then me, who she really didn't pay attention to much at all. Ah well, what're you gonna do.

Anyway, it was good to see my brother... and Kitty (his girlfriend). Had to go through the whole Bonnie-Tracy fiasco AGAIN, but that's okay. I'll get over it one of these years.
{sigh}
Man, I was dumb. Oh well... I'm working on it. Not being dumb, that is... I'm pretty sure Bonnie is a lost cause in the dating department. Still miss her, though.

Kat (my ex) has been doing pretty rough... granddaddy passin' away and all that seems to have really affected (effected?) her. Hope she pulls through, but more so I hope this causes her to start growing up a bit. Doubtful... but whatever. Stranger things have happened, and I hold out hope for her.

Other than that, not much to report. Lots of work to catch up on today, and the Saudi's denied my request to enter their country without signing that passage about giving them the right to execute me at a whim. Not happy about that at all. Probably means I won't be going... I really don't think I'm signing that application. I kinda LIKE being alive, ya know? Maybe it's just me... but I doubt it.

And in other news... no other news. Which is good, I suppose.

Chaotic Weekends

Long weekend... but not in the good way.
Good stuff first: My brother came down from Vancouver. Always good to see him... even if we spent the majority of our time together playing Advanced Wars Dual Strike (ah, Gameboy DS... wonderful toys) and watching Firefly. I love Firefly. So that was good. Oh, and Dave and Bill came down on Saturday... they came over around 5pm, and then Harry joined us around 8pm, and then my brother showed up at 2am... just as Dave and Bill were leaving, really, but at least they got to meet him for a few minutes. So that was all good.
Not so good stuff: The interview with the guy for the Master's programme went well... right up to when he asked for my grades. Which is a pity, really... but I learned a lot, I suppose. And he was a very nice guy... I wish him all the success with his work. I'll be working on it anyway, but in a far less enjoyable capacity (that is to say I'll still be stuck HERE... whereas if I got into the Master's programme, I could be somewhere decidedly less here).
Bad stuff: My parents freaking drive me crazy. It was hard enough to deal with not getting the Master's position... but on top of that, they seem to take rare pleasure in ensuring I'm as miserable as possible. Not intentionally, of course... they're not being spiteful, they just don't have a clue how miserable they make me. Ah well... I couldn't finish my mom's tango CD, and I have to head back to Georgetown tonight... that won't be much fun either, but whatever. And then back to London Tuesday night (11pm train that arrives in London around 1am), so I can be at work on time Wednesday morning. Joy.
{sigh}

Spoke with Bonnie again last night. She's doing well... more than I can say. Always nice to talk to her, though... one of the few things that makes me feel better (normally because I get this feeling of "Well, I may be a complete screw up and a total idiot... but there was at least awhile where you wanted to be with me... so I did something right, at least!"). She's really pushing for me to go to Japan... and I hope I can. I just don't know where the money is going to come from. $1,000 to get out there, if I'm lucky... but that still leaves me about $8,000 shy. And I really need to keep practicing my Japanese. The alphabet is finally starting to come to me... slowly, ever so slowly, but I'm getting it. The vocab, however... yeah, not so much. But I still have a couple months, at least.

Kat called on Sunday morning. My brother was over so I couldn't see her, but still, she called. Don't know what to make of that, either... I'm pretty sure she just wanted somebody to talk to (her grandfather passed away last week), but hard to tell sometimes. Still, that's another close run-in with no sex involved... I could get used to that, I suppose. The lack of sex in general is... lamentable, but perhaps unavoidable.

Bonnie said something interesting, now that I think about it. She said that once she started doing this med-school thing, that stuff just started to work. When she was studying for her psyche degree, and I quote, "I could do everything right, and stuff wouldn't work out. Now, it seems like I can do everything wrong, and stuff still works out alright at the end! It just became... easy, ya know?" I wonder if that's the way it's supposed to work... would make sense, though, as right now nothing has been working out. Whee.

Oh, coincidentally: Nicole = 18. Yeesh. Oh well... Ginny was 22 (I think she's 23 now), and prettier. Of course, I haven't seen her in over a month... and really, she's a waitress, which means she's paid to be nice to me... and the Keg is pretty darn expensive. Maybe I'll just take some more "me" time... chill out, relax, take things easy. I could probably use it.

Hands up if you saw THAT coming...

Well, I went. I schmoozed... I read the professor's work, I understood the material, I contributed important stuff, I said the right things and asked good questions. He was genuinely impressed with my comments and questions, implied that I'd be perfect for the position and that there would be a lot of learnin' goin' on.

And then he asked one little question... "So, what were your grades like?"

Yep. There ends the lesson, children... which is, of course, get good grades. Because it's more important to have good grades than it is to actually have any clue what the hell you're talking about.
{sigh}

I lament the system, but I understand it... being smart is certainly no assurance that you're bright, but it's a pretty good indiciation. And the faculty has it's reputation to uphold, of course. So unless I'm grossly confused (ha!), it's unlikely that I have an average anywhere near what they want for acceptance. You could say it was a waste of 2 and a half hours... but really, it got me away from work, and that's never a bad thing. So I still see it as a positive experience. And Dr. St. Lawrence was nice enough to not laugh out loud... and he seemed to understand that I knew what was going on (even if I don't have the grades to back up that claim).

Moral of this story: I'm a good physicist. It's a pity I hate it so much.

Anyway, whatever. My brother is coming into town on Saturday, and it'll be pretty awesome to see him (although he'll unintentionally make me feel like a total ass again... shoot, I should clean up the apartment tonight). Bought my father a small present (Einstein's short book on Special relativity... something my father isn't terribly good at), which is still more than he's gotten me... but that's okay. In fact, I didn't get any birthday presents this year... well, no tangible ones at least (Chantal came down and hung out with me the weekend before, as you may recall... but that was just hanging out... I didn't even get birthday-kisses!).

Ah well. C'est la vie, I suppose. One day I'll be rich and powerful enough that things like this won't bother me.

Oh, I've actually been on hold with McMaster's Registrar's office since slightly before I started this post... goin' on 15 minutes so far! But it's a busy time of year of them (grad), so I don't mind that much. I wish I weren't at work so I could just play on my DS or somethin', though... but whatever.

My bad.

Did I imply that I had finished with that monochromator yesterday? Ha. Apparently, not so much.

Why, you ask? Why am I still working on it? Because it's out of focus.

By 0.2nm. NANOmeters. ZERO POINT TWO NANOMETERS. I have to find a 200 PICOMETER variation in it's alignment.

I HATE this job. HATE hate it.

{sigh}

Ah well... so, to recap: I still have to go to Saudi Arabia, signing a piece of paper allowing the Saudi government to execute me for any infraction of their laws (which, of course, I don't know). I'm stuck working on a monochromator today which is off by a fraction of a nanometer (and, by adjusting, will require me to realign basically from scratch). And the stupid ESA project hasn't even started to be packed yet... and I have some serious concerns about the scientist in charge of the process. Joy.

HATE THIS JOB.

Okay. I'm done.

Not much else to report... I'm not feeling as down today as I was yesterday (although I did have a horrible workout last night)... and Shauna called to check up on me, and that was nice of her. She's sweet sometimes (although she did imply I'm ugly and no good in bed... both are probably true, so I can't really hold that against her). Still undecided on if I'm going to the coffee shop downtown again today... I probably will, but I dunno any more. It almost doesn't seem worth it, really. I could save myself $20 and just stay home... but, then again, it's about the only chance I get to draw in a week, and I do like to draw.
{sigh}

Ah well.

Random quote of the day: "If you don't have anything nice to say, say it often."
Ed the Sock, I believe.

Sad today.

I know it may come as a surprise, but I'm really not sad most days. Upset at work, yes... frustrated frequently, and occasionally somewhat depressed, but on your average day, I'm in a pretty good mood (after I get out of work). Just the way I am... very glass-half-full sorta person. But not today. Just feelin' kinda down... low, I 'spose. Couldn't really tell ya why either... sure, lack of sex, lack of motivation, lack of anything I enjoy doing... but those haven't changed since yesterday.

Huh. Ah well... it'll pass. I don't have time to be sad.

On a scale of 1 to 10, work ranks in at a solid "My God Why Am I Here?" today... finally finished that monochromator which had been giving me so many problems (I say "finished", I mean "temporarily confirmed that it operates for now"). Spent an hour in the washroom playing with my Nintendo DS... go Megaman Battlenetwork 3 (technically a GBA game, but plays plenty fine on my DS). Volume off, of course... I just polished off "Bubbleman" (the 2nd Bubbleman, technically... there was a Bubbleman in Megaman 2 or 3, as I recall, but only 1 in this game). And "Punk"... HE was hard (optional side-quest that landed me a grand total of 100Z... absolutely not worth if for anything but bragging rights).

In other news, I found a copy of Tactics Ogre for my GBA as well ($35 USED!), which is multiple kinds of awesome... hard to find that. Can't play it at work... too engrossing, I might spend a bit too much time in the washroom (an hour I can get away with... being in their from lunch until quiting time? Probably pushing my luck). This means I have now spent about $35 more on video games this month than I planned (especially considering how many I have that I haven't finished yet)... Japan gets further away by the week.
{sigh}

Ah well. I'm holding out hope that my brother can help me get there... probably not, but I can hope.

Anyway. Random quote of the day?
"Sad today... sad today... even coffee can't make it go away... I murdered my friends... but I made amends... that is why I'm free today... so come and play... on my sad today... we can all pretend we're young and gay! A single brown banana... rots on the table... and the television begs like a whore... if you were going to sell your happiness... how much would you sell it? Spend your life down on the floor..."

Okay, less "random quote", more "Moxy Fruvous Song"... but the lyrics are fitting for today.
Except for the "whore" part... god I hate that word.

Long week. Not in the good way.

Busy weekend. Busy week. So much to do, no time to do it.

I've been told that last weekend was one of d'em theoretical "long" weekends. I challenge anyone to prove it to me... I swear I had one day off.
I mean, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a bad weekend... just busy. And this weekend will be busy (my father's birthday is on Friday), and next weekend will be busy (Heather's Bridal shower is on the Sunday, and I still have no idea how to get where I'm supposed to be!), and the weekend after THAT will be busy (the bridal party is throwing Paul and Heather a "thing" that should be fun but again, very difficult to GET to)...


At least my brother is supposed to be coming into town... it'll be good to see him, that's for sure.

I would write more, but I don't really have time today... I have actual work I have to do at work!

Expecting me to do the work for which I am paid? What's up with that!

Took long enough...

It's been a bad week for posting, for some reason. Not because I've run out of time or anything (although I have been kept busier than normal at work... probably because it's a short week, hallelujah), but rather because this nifty-fun Blogger thingy didn't seem to work for some time. Which is unfortunate... not that I've had much to say, really.

Saw Katrina yesterday... she had to come to replace her knee brace or something. We had lunch and I managed not to sleep with her, so that's a positive sign.
What? You think it'd be hard to have sex with somebody if we were just getting together for lunch on a work day? Oh, how naive...

Seriously, though, I think this is the longest Kat and I have gone without having sex since we broke up... it was only 6 months or so before we were at it again that time. I think I may be in the clear this time around, though... she's found somebody new (good on her, good luck to him). Still, it surprises me how immature she is... I managed to hold my tongue (and that's always tricky) and not hurt her feelings (at least as far as I know... it's hard to tell, and she does get upset by the STUPIDEST things). So I'm chalking it up to a victory.

In other news... I booked my hotel room for Heather's wedding. A hundred and somethin' bucks... this wedding is turning out to be very expensive. A hundred bucks for the room, plus another hundred and monies for the tux rental, plus another hundred and monies for the wedding gift... plus the shower gift... plus the wedding-party-dinner-thingy we're throwing them... ah well. Heather's certainly worth it. I'm still unsure about if I should invite Bonnie or not... Heather says I should, mostly because they "Paid for the plate, somebody might as well eat it!" and because she thinks that I may "get lucky" if Bonnie comes to the wedding ("Weddings have strange effects on people..."). I have to admit, the possibility is very enticing... but am I just grasping at straws? I think I should have given up by now... moved on... stopped thinking about her. And I haven't, but I'm getting there... will inviting her to the wedding with me be a positive step? I dunno... I'll have to think if I really want to get over her or if I still want there to be a chance.

Hmmm. More thinking. Whee.

Anyway, I have a long weekend comin' up, so that's good... any day away from work is a good day!

A hit and miss weekend.

Well, Saturday was good. Chantal came down and we hung out most of the day... ate really bad food (as in "nachos and cake", not as in "unpleasant"), watched a bunch of movies (ooh, that reminds me... I have to return one of 'em today... crap, which one was it? Uh... we watched Chronicles of Narnia, which was better than I thought it'd be, and we watched... the other film... which was funny... Oh! Madagascar... that was it. Pretty good... not awesome, but not bad).

We also flipped through our old year books... ye gods was I ever a dork in high school. Dumb, dumb kid... I did a lot of very stupid things. But I guess I turned out alright in the end, so I musta done something right.

Hmm. Weird thought, that. But anyways, it was interesting to look back... high school was good times (after grade 9, at least... grade 9 was rough).

Anyway, so yeah, Saturday was good. I think it's interesting that Chantal is about my only female friend I've never slept with... unlikely we ever will, too. Not that I wouldn't on principle... I mean, she's always been very attractive (I don't think she finds me that attractive, though). But more so that I know if she ever WANTED to sleep with me it would only be because something was horribly, horribly wrong... and therefore I don't think I'd be able to take advantage of her like that. Pity... ah well. I'm not really looking for a purely physical relationship any more anyway... and I'd hate to lose her as a friend. She's pretty awesome.

Sunday was... mixed bag. Hanging out with my parents is always rough... we don't get along terribly well most of the time. But I told my father that I want to go to Med school... he didn't seem happy, but he wasn't mad either. Doesn't really matter... I'll probably never be able to actually get in (especially if I don't get around to writing my MCATs sometime). But doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. He also said he wanted to help buy a car... sweet offer, but since I don't have my license yet, kinda pointless at this juncture. Maybe I can convince him to pu that money towards my trip to Japan instead... that would be beautiful. This month will probably dictate whether I can go or not. We'll have to see.

Anyway, that's about it. All in all, it could have been much worse... I may be buying a bike later today, and that'll be nice. Always good to have an excuse to exercise... but I'm not exactly sure where I'll keep it at my place. Gotta find out if the building has a bike-storage area... I can always just keep it in my apartment (yeah, because it's not cluttered enough just yet!)

Too close.

Well, my boss asked me to finish a system for today by 11, no matter what no exceptions no excuses just do it.

I did it.

It took a fair-sized dose of luck, and I'm not 100% happy with it, but hey, it's done... and happily being shipped to fair wherever the hell it's going. Huzzah.

And it's almost lunch. Which means Chinese food... yay! I like Chinese food. Makes Fridays a little better.
And Chantal is coming over tomorrow so we can not-celebrate our birthdays together. We're going to go through old year-books and laugh at how stupid I was and all the people we don't remember any more but are probably off doing great things. I miss a lot of them... Lisa McNeil and Devon Metcalf more than most (they were CUTE), but there are a handful that I really wouldn't mind running into at some point.
Of course, there are some that I most certainly WOULD mind running into. But them's the breaks.

Regardless, should be a good weekend... and that'll be nice. Hopefully with lots of sleep (mmmm... sleep), eating too much junk food (yeah, because THAT'S a good idea... oh well), some vids and some movies. Huzzah!

Colleen, Nicole and Ginny

There are three women in my life.

Not really. Colleen is a personal trainer at the gym I go to, and Nicole and Ginny are both waitresses... Nicole works at a coffee shop downtown (called Symposium), and Ginny works at the Keg downtown. But they're all very attractive... nice smiles, really. Out of the three of 'em, I know Nicole the best (I've been to Symposium almost every week since I first met her working there... I'm probably going again today, but I dunno... it's expensive, and she wasn't working last week). Ginny I know the least... I only saw her the one time I went with Dave. But she is definitely cute... and not too young (she's 22, turning 23 soon). I get the impression that Nicole is much younger... I know she's taking a first year course. Doesn't mean she IS in first year, but she might be... and 18-19 is way too young for me. 20-21 is too young... 22 is pushing it. Colleen isn't as young as the other two (I think she's 24-26), but because she works at a gym, she's got a far wider range of guys to choose from.

Not that it really matters. Although I am attracted to each of 'em, I don't think anything will come of it... because, really, I'm still most interested in Bonnie. And I gotta get over that before I pretend I can move on. Or actually move on (that'd be nice). I still miss her... it's getting better, though. I'm more... familiar, I guess, with the concept of "just" being friends with her.

Looks like I don't have to go to Saudi Arabia for another month or two... that's nice, at least. I wasn't looking forward to going next week... and now I can enjoy my Easter weekend. Hopefully at home, hopefully alone... right now I just want to sleep (and I may have a nap in a little bit... I've gotten quite talented at taking naps at work, sadly).

And in other news... I hate my job.

Saudi Arabia. Joy?

Well, it's semi-official now... I'm going to Saudi Arabia sometime next week. Probably Friday-Sunday.
Can I say I'm not looking forward to it?
I'm NOT looking forward to it. Really not. Very, very much not.
I have NEVER wanted to travel to the Middle East or Africa. They're just not on my "to do" list. And now the managment here are running around, trying to get everything finished and prepared for my trip... still need to get my Visa from Ottawa, so I may not have to go at all (which would be hella sweet), but I'd almost rather just get it over and done with, ya know?

I'll probably have to buy clothes for it, though... I don't have anything even semi-formal. Jeans and t-shirts... probably not the best way to make a good impression. Ah well. Honestly, I don't know why I'm going down there at all... I barely know what I'm doing here.


I HATE MY JOB!

Okay, I'm done with that rant for now... time to take another one for the time, I suppose. Somebody had to go... may as well have been me.

Anyway, I gotta go say good mornin' to the boss and then get some useless hunk of junk prepared and shipped out so that they can give me another useless hunk of crap to ship. Joy.

Strange days...

Well, Tracy wrote me. Didn't see that coming... I'm glad she did, in a sense. I hope it means that she's healed enough that she can talk with me. It's been... oh, almost a year (probably more... I'm gonna go with "more") since the last time we spoke/wrote/communicated. I unblocked her from MSN, but that might be a touch premature... hmmm... I'll have to think about that when I get home. She has a deviantart gallery (http://colourofmagic.deviantart.com/ if anyone's curious)... she's gotten much better in the last year. It's kinda hard to look at her picture, though... I mean, not that she's not pretty, she's always been pretty, it's just that it reminds me of how much of an ass I am/was.


Reminds me MORE of how much of an ass I am/was.

Regardless, I wrote her back... something short and honest (about how much I hate work... can't get much more honest than that!), and she wrote me back again almost immediately. I'll write her back again in a day or two... but I'm really happy she wrote me. Now if I could just get this knot of "Wow, I'm an IDIOT" sitting in my stomach to go away... yeah, I treated her really badly, but that was a long time ago. I should be able to forgive myself by now...

Anyway, yeah. That's the big news for today.
I also slept in for work (supposed to be up and ready to go by 8am... didn't get out of bed until 8:30). Felt good... I hate work. HATE work. HATE HATE HATE work.

Ah well. Whacha gonna do?

Last note: Japan. July. $10,000. BY JULY.
I'm going to have to do something remarkably clever before then. Possibly miraculous. But damned if I'm not gonna try.

Turn around is fair play.

You ever meet one of those people that just gets under your skin and drives you insane?
Yeah, I have... her name is Kat. And she's my ex-girlfriend. Oh, irony, your name is... uh... Irony.

Anyway.

So, yeah, when we used to date she was pretty cool... but shortly after she got into University, everything changed. She became more and more self-centered, arrogant, conceited... and, like most people of that type, she has also become incredibly insecure. I would say she's become immature, but that's a lie... she's always been pretty immature.

Now, I realize I'm not exactly a bastion of maturity myself... but at least I acknowledge it. I know it's a fault and I'm working very hard on it... it drives me insane occasionally, but I think it's honestly important. I want to be a better person... I hope I can become one. That'd be nice.

Anyway, it's my birthday soon (a couple weeks, I think), and Kat has been sending me birthday wishes specifically because she knows I don't enjoy it. It would be sweet of her if it weren't for the fact she's really doing it because it bugs me... but whatever. I've wasted too much of my time thinking about her already.

My weekend was good... Heather has become impossible to separate from her significant other. I'm very happy for her, really... I just think it's unfortunate that when I ask "So how are you doing?", her reply is always "We're doing fine."
Maybe that's the way it's supposed to work... the concept of the individual lost to the concept of the pair. The couple. It resonates wrong with me... but I haven't been in a healthy relationship for years and years, so I'm not about to throw stones. I just wish I knew that Heather is really happy... she seems that way, so I'm going to have to just trust her, I suppose.

Lastly, Bonnie didn't talk to me very long last night. Shouldn't upset me... she has a lot of studying to do (even though Kat claims they don't have any exams or tests for the next 3 weeks, I'm more inclined to believe Bon). But it does upset me... again, I don't know why (sure, I'm not completely over her, but I don't think that's it entirely). It's not as bad as it used to be, though... fewer knots in my stomach, and they're much smaller. More of a... well, I wasn't upset so much as just sad. I like talking with Bonnie... makes me feel more... human, I guess. And while I don't think she's going to stop being friends with me or anything, I do know that my role in her life is probably going to get smaller and smaller... she's destined for great things.
I do miss her, though... I gotta remember to call her more often. She still makes me smile... even if we're not "meant" to be together.

I was trying to think of a funny quote to end this post on, but nothing is coming to me... not even Firefly quotes, and that's a bad sign. Ah well. Hopefully after I get some sleep tonight I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.